Positivity

I think that's what I need right now. Just some positivity and happy thoughts. When I was in France, it still felt a bit like a whole big vacation type situation because it was only a 2 month stay. Now this no longer feels like vacation at all. Part of me thinks I'm wasting a year of my life doing absolutely nothing. I've found a place that I can hire a piano practice room for 1 hour, 4 days a week, but I'm sure the piano isn't even that good and at 50 euros per month it isn't that cheap of a deal either. But I still feel like I will be wasting a year of practice when I get back home. At my peak, last September before my music HSC exam, I was practising up to around 5 hours a day. The last time I touched a piano was the day of my conservatorium audition in mid-December, maybe about 5 or so days before I left for Shanghai. You don't go from practising for hours a day to absolutely no practice for 4 months. It's weird to think that never before in my entire life have I ever gone without practising for so long. That's right, ever since I was 4 my biggest break on the piano was probably the time I went overseas to LA/Shanghai in 2011/12, and that was only for like 2 months or so I think. Actually, that's not even true because I was still practising in Shanghai. Okay then, ever since I was 4, up until this point, the longest I had gone without touching a piano was probably 4 weeks in year 9 when I visited Shanghai. That's scary to think about. I learnt music before I could speak fluent English, before I could read or write. Funny how living without it for so long makes me miss it (even though I had fallen out of love with it long ago). Funny how right now I forget about all the blood, sweat and tears.

For easter, the entire family has gone up near the Dutch border to visit the kids' grandparents, so I have the entire house to myself. It feels a bit lonely, but awesome at the same time. I have only had a few social conversations with anyone since being in Europe. A, the au pair after me in Paris, was my age and we got along pretty well but it's not like we became friends or anything seeing as I was leaving anyway. Then there was S, the family in Bonn's previous au pair who I didn't connect with at all because she and I are just polar opposites. Plus she was 25, and a 7 year age gap is pretty big. I always felt like she was judging me too, and of course old host mum An would have bitched about me to her so she'd already formed a judgementally negative opinion of me. Then there is Z, this family's previous au pair, who is 23 and nice but I'm still the polar opposite of her too. She's into the whole drug, alcohol, sex, party scene and despite Berlin's reputation, I really didn't come here to smoke pot or go to wild clubs. There's a time and place for that, and when I take into consideration what I want, a gap year overseas just doesn't involve this for me. H is an au pair, also 23, that I met through my host mum's friend. She reminds me so much of Ro from high school, it's really uncanny. Maybe it's because Ro was Indian (or Punjabi, as she likes to point out), and H is Sri Lankan. But H too is not really my type. She's super extroverted and a self proclaimed 'people person', and like Z she smokes (and scarily enough hasn't told her host mum yet...I mean you can't hide that from her for an entire year). She's also done drugs and partied in Berlin when she was an exchange student here, but doesn't seem to be as heavily into that stuff as Z. Also like Z, she dabbled in arts at university and now has no idea what the hell she is doing. Looks like the 'you want fries with that' stereotype regarding arts really is accurate. I guess it's hard, because people like me don't really go on gap years or au pair. Usually it's the super bubbly, extroverted, rebellious, slightly older partier.

I actually really wouldn't mind going home at this point. Ok, except for the fact that I have to face everyone else being at uni and me just doing nothing. But right now, me living in Germany is slightly pointless other than the fact that I can try to better myself here before going back home. After all, I can just as easily learn German in Sydney because I could still sort of mooch of my mum's money and ask her to pay for German intensives. I think the whole 'immersion' experience only works in a foreign country if you already understand some of the language. For example, my French improved by leaps and bounds because I could expand on what I already knew, but it's not the same when I don't know a single word of German. Heck I don't even like the German language, it sounds really unappealing and just not very pleasant to the ear, which makes me less motivated to learn it. Plus I may as well be in Sydney to earn some major cash and put the spare time to good use. I would have earned a lot actually over a year, considering I was tutoring/teaching piano to a few kids before I left which already paid pretty well, and with an extra full time job on the side I would have earned some good money for the move to Canberra. After passing that piano diploma exam in year 11 which is like the piano world equivalent of a bachelor's degree, I may even have been able to get a job at a proper music studio. Because let's face it, no one (unless you're from Bosnia, Colombia, Moldova or something) actually au pairs to earn money...au pairs are always, always short on money because I earn next to nothing seeing as my board, lodging, transport and phone plan are paid for. Damn it I should have stayed in Sydney and enrolled at ANU for second semester entry. If I get rejected for a visa in June, I wouldn't mind going back home (except for the nasty plane ticket cost). The only plus side to this whole au pairing experience so far has probably been how it's satiated my curiosity about Europe, killed the travel bug obsession I had going on, and it's taught me a whole lot of skills in terms of being more independent and even managing a household. Things like budgeting for myself, grocery shopping for the family, cooking for the family, doing housework, finding my way around, learning how to live with difficult people, learning how to live with strangers. This is making me feel slightly better I guess, because there are always good things that come out of everything and despite all my doubts about the next 9 months, there have still been life skills learnt for me that are important and mean the world to me. Skills that really can't be learnt any other way and I wouldn't relinquish them for anything. The invaluable skills I've learnt and the important lessons I've experienced actually makes all the stress with host families worth it. I guess in a way, this is a whole big learning process and the things I have gotten out of this experience, whether good or bad, are way more important than starting uni a year earlier. I guess practical life skills can't even really be learnt in 5 years at uni, and au pairing actually prepares me for living on my own in Canberra for the next 5 years. I guess there is a part of me that truly believes there really are positives to this experience and that I am doing this to better myself, because otherwise I would not still be holding onto it, and determined enough to make this work after 2 fail families. Otherwise I would just have left for Sydney already, despite the 'I told you so' that my mum would probably inevitably greet me with when I return home. But a couple of people have affirmed that it is a big thing for me to be doing this at 17 and 18, and the problems I've had to solve, the issues and aspects that go with au pairing, I would never even have imagined as a naive year 12 girl searching up au pair websites in the library and telling everyone she was going to Finland for a year when she was supposed to be studying.

So I will not be returning home early, but I can still tell myself that even if I chose to do so, no one can judge me or say 'I told you so', unless they have experienced hitting rock bottom (well as rock bottom as an au pair can hit) at 17 or 18, totally alone in a new country overseas where they don't speak the language, criticised and judged for their personality every week by cold and distant host parents and then being dismissed/fired and faced with the possibility of returning back home as a failure. Because only then could anyone possible understand how hard it is. I haven't even told my mum or grandpa yet that I moved to Berlin 3 weeks ago (my mum is so muddled and absentminded that she can't even recall I was in Bonn to begin with, not Berlin).

On the plus side, if everything works out perfect for me until next January, I've already convinced my mum that I should meet her in Miami or New York (preferably the latter, although she would rather visit Miami) and go on a Caribbean cruise before flying to Shanghai and then back to Sydney. Wishful thinking perhaps, because the plane tickets from here to Miami and then back to Sydney are freaking expensive. But I really want to go on a cruise...that would be my perfect idea of a holiday. Lounging on a large private balcony, snorkelling in the caribbean...it just sounds so, so nice. Plus I am kind of obsessed with visiting the US again seeing as I sort of expected I would go with the old host family to New York in July, so I even have some extra US currency with me.

Sometimes I forget how pissed I was at my mum before I left for Europe, or how screwed up things are between us and how hard the HSC was on me. How much better I could have done. I just hate myself sometimes because I got 88 in English, 89 in Music 2 and 89 in History, and if I just got a 90 in those three subjects (that's FOUR marks more), it would have been good enough to do Law at UNSW and I would have made the all-rounders list and I wouldn't have made the mistake of coming to Europe for a year and I wouldn't have done absolutely disappointedly bad in the HSC and everything would have been ok.

Seriously, I need to change the title of this blog because I'm not even into travelling anymore. After that Contiki trip I've just been sick of it. I'm kind of losing sight of why I wanted to au pair in the first place. Funny, because Anja the bitchy mum from Bonn actually said the same thing. She was like 'sometimes I'm not sure why you wanted to be an au pair'. Because I clearly don't like kids and all, I guess was what she was getting at. Most people either do it for the cultural experience (which would be useless for me because in that case I would have chosen France seeing as I already know some French, enough to get by). If I were doing it for the cultural/language immersion, Germany would be such a pointless choice for me. Other people au pair in order to travel, but as I already explained, I'm sick of that and really quite over it. Nowadays when I'm in Berlin and I see something photo-worthy I don't even bother taking a photo. I've barely even explored that much of Berlin and would prefer to spend my weekends at home (if it didn't make me seem like a weirdo to my host family). Big contrast to when I was au pairing in Paris and spent every second of my free time outside of the house. H keeps pressuring me to go to Prague with her but I don't think I want to. Just too much of a hassle changing currencies, and I don't even connect with H that much. Plus she would want to stay in a nasty mixed dorm hostel which really isn't my thing. Is it sad that if I were to go to Prague, my main reason would be so that I can add another country to my 'list of countries I've been to'? I guess that is kind of sad. But I really don't enjoy travelling and sightseeing anymore. Europe is just full of castles, palaces, art museums, canals, old city squares, cathedrals...they all kind of become similar and especially as I don't know the history of most of these cities it's hard to get into all the sightseeing. My favourite places I've visited so far are probably the beautiful sights in Paris (for the aesthetic beauty, not the history because I never learnt about French history), and interestingly enough the visit to Dachau concentration camp near Munich and the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam were the most incredible experiences so far. Venice too was gorgeous, but way too touristy in my opinion and the beauty of the canals and little stores got a bit old after only like an hour of walking around.

I feel like my posts have slowly turned into big rambling messes of jumbled up thoughts with no structure. I hope they don't reflect my diminishing writing skills after having been out of school for so long.

Trevi Fountain, Rome

View of Pudong across the Huangpu River from the Bund, Shanghai

Innsbruck, Austria

Settling in

Just passed the 2 week mark since I've been here. Good news is, I have not had any conflict or confrontations with the mum whatsoever. She is totally fair with my work hours and I in return do my job to the best of my ability and try to take initiative. Semi bad news is, I hate Ale, one of the twins. He is a freaking annoying thing. He is so, so rude and a total bully. What freaks me out is I used to think rude kids were a reflection of their parents and upbringing, but his twin isn't half as bad, and their older 11 year old sister An is a total angel. It's just Ale that seems to be the black sheep in this family. Day before yesterday, I asked him to get his swim bag after school and he was like, 'no'. So I went to get it for him, and by then I was already a bit pissed at him (after all, his twin Alb went and got his without drama). Then we go to the grocery store because I needed to get a few things, and the kids begged for a snack. There were 2 doughnuts left at the store and 3 kids, so I bought 2 doughnuts and a muffin. I offer Ale half a doughnut and he full on flips out at me, telling me he wants a full one. I say he can't have a full one because it's not fair, as there are 3 kids and 2 doughnuts, so if 2 kids each got a full doughnut then one would miss out. Then he flips out even more and screams at the U-bahn station that there is something wrong with my brain. By then I am totally pissed too and threaten to cancel his tv time that night. Then he goes home and hides in his sister's bed while I'm looking for him and semi freaking out that he left the house without telling me. When his mum comes home he also complains to her about me. Luckily she understands and is used to his horrible behaviour and rude attitude, and just tells me not to be too hard on him to begin with because he takes after his dad (who apparently also goes crazy when slightly aggravated). It's not just that but also little things, like if I give him a glass of milk he might yell at me in a totally rude tone of voice that it's not warm enough, or complain to me really obnoxiously if I hand him a box of cereal that is not the one he prefers (like I am a total mind reader). 

Yesterday he also burst into crocodile tears as soon as he walked out the school door, saying he couldn't walk at all because he was sore all over??? So then I had to call his mum at his insistence, and she had to leave work early to pick him up. And today he faked being sick so he got to stay at home (but was apparently well enough to play on his tablet and watch TV all day). And guess who had to stay home for the whole day to supervise him? That's right, yours truly. Although I was pretty sneaky and asked the mum whether it was ok to leave him at home alone when I went to pick up his siblings from school. She said that was fine as long as I left my phone number for him in case of an emergency. So I figured since it didn't seem to be much of a big deal leaving a 8 year old home alone to pick up the other 2 from school, I'd go to my scheduled riding lesson today after all. And thank god nothing bad happened. The little twit stealing caramel waffle cookies and his sister's chocolate was all that happened, and neither him or his mum seemed to realise that I was gone from the house for 3 hours. 

The riding lesson was pretty crap. I found an english speaking riding instructor, but it seemed dodgy from the start. I was told it was 40 euros for a 45 minute lesson (which is semi expensive by German standards), but was only charged 20 euros by the person at the office. Which is a good thing, but still a bit dodgy because why would the instructor say it was 40 not 20. And then I was told to arrive 30 minutes before my lesson in order to groom and tack up my horse? Anyhow, that's pretty strange because I'm the one paying for a service and I expect my horse to be ready to go, I shouldn't have to waste my time tacking him up. In my opinion that job totally belongs to the instructor/stable hands who are paid for their time. That's kind of like saying you should arrive 30 minutes before your restaurant reservation so you can cook your own food or something. Or that someone who has booked a spa treatment should arrive 30 minutes beforehand to collect the products needed for the treatment and set up equipment. Plus, the annoying thing is I'm not confident tacking up a horse by myself yet. Sure, I could do it if I tried, but there are so many bits and pieces and I've only been showed a couple of times. Plus the teacher knew I only had very basic riding skills, so as someone who is not that confident yet around horses, it isn't easy for me to do things like get the horse to take the bit. Because I'm not that keen on sticking my finger around a horse's lips to get it to open its mouth. Neither am I too keen on picking a horse's hooves or accidentally poking it in the sensitive part of its hoof. Getting bitten by a horse or getting my hand trampled over by one in a foreign country would not be an ideal scenario. Not to mention the instructor herself was absolute crap. She basically had a social conversation with these 3 other people for the entire lesson. I warmed up the horse by myself, trotted him around half the arena with virtually no direction/pointers from the teacher, and then cooled him down to the sound of the instructor still chatting away. She actually gave me zero pointers on my posture/feet and leg position/seat. The only thing I got from her was 'give him a harder kick' and 'hold your reins lower'. She then suggested I take lunge lessons instead (which sure would require much more effort on the teacher's part, which is maybe why she referred me to a colleague instead). I don't understand why there is such thing as separate lunge and riding lessons anyway. Every other place I have been to, the instructor combines the two depending on what your skill level is or what you need to work on. And I've been to like 5 places where I received at least a bit of riding instruction. I guess you really do get what you pay for. 20 euros for 45 minutes cannot compare to the $100/hour lessons I had back in Sydney. Anyhow, I'm checking out another 25 euros for 45 minutes riding place next Tuesday, which is hopefully better. 

Grounded

I finally feel a bit grounded, thank god. At last I feel like I'm with a family I will be able to stay with for the next 9 months (well, I am supposedly meant to stay until March, but they can't do anything about it if I want to leave in January). Uni starts on 16 February, and I have to say possibly the most important thing to come out of this gap year so far has been my decision to do international relations/law at ANU instead of international studies/journalism at UNSW. If I had gone with my initial choice, I would very likely have regretted it by now.

I have about 50 minutes before I need to leave and get the kids. The kids are actually pretty good. Ale is a bit difficult sometimes and can be a pain in the ass, but in the end he knows the limits and still listens to me and does as he is told. The good thing about this family is that the mum herself doesn't seem to be totally that interested in her kids (by this I mean more as in isn't as obsessed as Anja was), so she can hardly expect me to be that interested either.

Meeting the former au pair, Z, was certainly interesting. Definitely not what I expected. I think she is around 23 or 24, and is totally crazy (not necessarily in a bad way, just crazy). She's done probably all the drugs under the sun and I had to sit there and listen to her take on all of them. She drinks and smokes quite a lot (so did K, the mum, to my surprise, but only outside and only occasionally). She hates cocaine and the date rape drug, whatever the proper name for that is. She likes smoking pot and she likes ecstasy. Apparently pot and ecstasy are the most common drugs in Berlin, and things like heroin and ice aren't as popular. She goes out and parties until like 5:30am in the morning, and then plays the role of au pair several hours later which is kind of insane but surprisingly enough she wasn't too bad at her job because she lasted 10 months and then quit for personal reasons because she was drinking too much under stress or something. She's bi and one of those artsy partiers. She did a degree on creative writing and ancient Greece, and now has no idea what she wants to do in life which kind of freaks me out. Proof, I guess, of why studying something you enjoy is not necessarily a good thing. To be honest If I were in my mid twenties and au pairing, I would feel kind of lost too.

 Guess it was kind of naïve of me, but I really didn't realise Berlin was such a big party place. Z showed me all the best clubs or whatever online, and it all seems so wild. Apparently everyone does drugs and you see people having sex in random corners all the time.

But she also said she fell in love with Berlin and that it's her favourite place in the world.

We'll see about that. I'm really hoping this year works out for the better.