Reality show

My job literally feels like reality tv now. Ever since they started firing people for no particular reason. Obviously the company is not making a profit because we never reach target, yet they can't use that as an excuse because they are both firing AND hiring new people? Not to mention the people I work with are...interesting to say the least. A lot of them go out every night and everyone is quite friendly with each other yet still has their little cliques. Feels so much like high school, and there's some bitching going on occasionally too. When it used to be almost 200 people that worked here, it did feel like a co-ed high school.

One of the managers came up to me today and asked me to get some stuff from the stockroom so we could 'have a talk' while replenishing stock. I came back with the stock and she was nowhere to be seen. She saw me several times afterwards and never ended up talking to me. I still have no idea what that was about.

All I know is I don't want to be fired, but I might be by the end of next week.

Each day feels like a new episode of Welcome  Fired from Uniqlo. Each time the store managers leave everyone breathes a sigh of relief that they're safe. Hope I'm not eliminated in the next round.

Who said earning money was difficult?

I guess it really depends on what you are doing. I daresay I actually enjoy my job, embarrassingly enough. I don't mind being cashier or sales floor. Not too sure about fitting room, but thankfully I haven't had training for that so it's unlikely they would put me on that. Cashier is really not as bad as I thought it'd be, possibly even better than sales floor. I think with sales floor someone always has an eye one you to tell you to smile and such, but as cashier your role and duties are quite obvious.

Who thought I'd like retail? It's weird how I don't even feel like this is a job, and the money that arrives in my bank account almost seems too easy. I don't mind the social aspect of this job, either. With practically 200 people working here, it's good practice for my not too good social skills.

Confrontational rhetorical questions

Oh, how I hate them. Confrontational rhetorical questions, that is. Basically criticism that starts with the three words 'Do you think...'

I've had it before. I've had 'questions' disguised as criticism thrown at me, including 'Joanna, do you think you're a good au pair?' In fact, I may have had that question in some form or other from all the host parents I worked for.

Which is why I would never want to get that sort of question at work. Luckily I haven't, although I know a coworker who's been asked by our bitchy manager, M, 'Do you think we really need four people in this area folding t shirts?'  I don't deal well with criticism, and that's something I want to improve on because otherwise it would be a concern in my type of work environment.

It didn't come as a surprise to me that I got a job offer at Uniqlo. I thought my interview went fairly well, and I was happy that I'd managed to find a job within 7 days of returning to Sydney. I was also happy that my very first job interview was a successful one. Saved me from having to go to more job interviews. I earn $18.7 an hour, which is almost $6 above the minimum wage for an 18 year old so I'm happy enough with that. It's the perfect amount, because $18.7  is pretty much the minimum wage for adults 22 and older, but I get the same amount as everyone else despite my being 18. As the company pays adult minimum wage, they can't expect too much. But they do. Not that I mind, really. The perfectionist in me relishes in the 'high standards' the company prides itself on (although the Macquarie store is a total dump due to lack of staff. Run items at the fitting room pile up to Mt Everest proportions). Plus I haven't had proper retail experience, so even though a lot of my coworkers hate the job and how strict the company is, I don't have anything else to compare it to.

But I do so hate rude, disrespectful criticism. Let's face it, you're a manager at a low priced clothing store, which is something I don't exactly aspire to for a career. You're hardly the CEO of David Jones.

I'm going to detail the criticism I've received in pretty much a month since working here:

-Was folding t shirts and the manager crept up on me (I hadn't even seen her enter the tiny pop up store) and pretty much was like 'Smile!' Was that really necessary? As if normal people smile like maniacs while folding t shirts. I wasn't even depressed looking or anything, I just had a neutral expression on my face. With the amount of pay they give, they can hardly expect me to act like I work at bloody Prada or something. She could have approached the subject in a politer manner if she felt like she HAD to bring it up. I don't know, like smile properly herself and be like, 'How's it going? I know it's been a long day but let's try and lift the atmosphere up a bit, even if you're folding t shirts it's good to smile at customers'.

-Same manager told me off for wearing a cold shoulder white t shirt even though it was following uniform guidelines (and the cold shoulder bit wasn't very noticeable). 'Wear something more basic because we don't sell that style at uniqlo'. Really??? She could have turned a blind eye at that one because the uniform guidelines specify plain black and white without prints and patterns. It doesn't specify style of t shirt for gods sakes. There was a woman wearing a ruffly blouse that was way more obviously not uniqlo style. This particular manager always seems to be digging for very, very obscure reasons just to criticise me and exert her power.

-Was putting a blouse back onto a shelf, and the Italian supervisor makes a 'turn around' hand gesture with an obnoxious facial expression, then when I look at her confusedly she finally opens her mouth and says 'you have to turn around and face customers at all times'. Again, unnecessary and shows lack of respect. I would look ridiculous putting a t shirt on a shelf with my back facing the shelf and arms reaching behind. Not even the managers do that, because it's barely physically possible! What a dumb bitch. Even if it was necessary to tell me to do that, she could have avoided the hand gesture and just come up to me and politely go, 'I know it's a bit difficult sometimes to remember, but it would be good to not have your back to the customer'. Then I wouldn't get pissed in the slightest.

-I'm folding t shirts and Macquarie manager goes to the aisle beside mine, and calls me over (and also pulls the good old confrontational rhetorical question'. 'See this? Rubbish and an empty hanger. That needs to go' in an irritated tone of voice. She could have said, 'If there's rubbish on the sales floor like this, please pick it up, and please return empty hangers to the storeroom'. It wasn't even in my aisle anyway and she acted like I should have seen it already. I don't have four eyes.

There have been multiple other times when I've been criticised by other people but in a much nicer manner. I don't mind criticism, as long as it's administered respectfully. Plus they all know that practically all the employees are new anyway. Maybe if I made the same mistake (although I'd barely call them 'mistakes') multiple times, then it's ok to be more harsh although I think there's never an excuse anyway to be rude and unprofessional. But especially when it's only their first time criticising me for a particular thing, it's really disgusting how they're criticising me sometimes just for their own satisfaction.

Back home

I'll admit, my last couple of weeks in Europe I was starting to borderline think that the past 9 months were a slight waste.

It's funny how all it takes is 6 days back in Sydney to make me realise they weren't at all. After all, what were my other options? Study a course I wasn't interested in at university, or doing nothing at home? I would've lost my mind anyway with either option.

Still settling in so far. Floorboard problem from Paris still hasn't been fixed yet, so shall see how that goes.

I have a job interview for Uniqlo next Monday. I applied for what feels like 50 jobs today. Surely I will get at least one of them.

Everything will be fine

Hopefully, that is. The money problem is solved. The floorboard problem isn't, but I've figured there's no way for the landlord to charge me for the damage if they decided it was my fault. First of all there never was a security deposit I had to pay, so I won't automatically be losing any money. If AirBnb decides in favour of the landlord (this in itself seems a slim possibility) and tries to deduct money from the card I used to make the booking, they would surely tell me first. I would then go to a German ATM and just get all my money out of my prepaid travel money card. There is no luggage issue anymore, the weight and everything seems to be ok. Not even the visa issue seems much of a problem. If they happened to bring it up when I leave Berlin/enter Amsterdam, I don't mind being stuck in London for 5 days. I can rent a cheap hostel there that essentially costs the same as what it would have been in the first place if I were allowed into Amsterdam.

I unfortunately will probably get next to no money to spend in the US, and let's face it the shopping is the best thing about the US. But whatever, I heard Sephora's opening in Australia this December anyway, and I can buy American clothes online, don't have to do it in New York. No doubt if I returned to Sydney and got back in touch with Ci, she would drag me to Sephora anyway back at home. 4 days left.

Gosh, when I started my countdown app on my iPhone there were like 108 or so days left. This is where I should say time flies, but it doesn't. Not really. I don't know, the past 9 months have dragged on but at the same time it's all felt like a blur. What I can't believe though is that it's been almost a year since I've graduated high school. Crazy.

My mum's been going on about my grandparents on my father's side. Possibility that I might inherit their Shanghai apartment now that I'm 18. I don't know. Everything with my family is like a freaking strategy game. After 6 years had gone by without so much as a phone call or birthday card from my father's parents, they reappeared in my life when I was 10. The only way my mum let them see me was their promise that in 8 years, when I turned 18, I would get an inheritance from them. I still remember them explaining that their Shanghai apartment would be passed onto me, and my half-sisters would get their Sydney property.

So during the eight years that passed, my mum and I visited my father's parents several times a year. No way would my mum have done that if there had been no inheritance. Sounds harsh I know, but that's how my family works. Well I know that my father's parents don't give a shit about me anyway, otherwise they wouldn't have ignored me until I was 10. The only reason they promised me that apartment back then was so that they could bribe me into supporting them when they're older. Not that they're not already old. But I guess it's just the whole Chinese confucian thing about how the young are meant to look after the old. And every Chinese elderly person's nightmare is to become old, get sick, etc without family to support them. They certainly aren't on good terms with my father after all. My aunt passed away a long time ago and their other two grandchildren, my half-sisters, are only 4 and 9. Not old enough to care or provide support. By the time they're 18 and get their inheritance, my grandparents probably won't be alive anyway. Thank God I don't have a half-brother. My grandparents are still stuck in that 18th century 'firstborn son' mindset. Now my mum's putting the pressure on them to be true to their word, because I'm finally 18. I don't know though. I shouldn't get my hopes up too much, because they haven't mentioned the apartment since I was 10 and back then my second half-sister wasn't born. So who knows, I may not get anything. Needless to say, my mum's telling me that if I don't get an inheritance from them when I go back to Sydney, then that's the last time I should see them. If I don't get anything, I'm meant to ignore them forever. Not answer calls, never visit them even when they're sick, etc. I wouldn't do that though. I'd feel bad, because despite my father never having contributed a cent to my upbringing, my grandparents at least paid for some of my school fees for a couple of years in high school, and that's something I won't forget. My mum's not the only one who's screwed up though. My grandparents are probably even more screwed up anyway. For the past 8 years I've felt like I'm nothing more than an object to them, almost. That's why I have to tell them I'm studying law. Anything that isn't law or medicine, and I probably wouldn't get anything from them at all. Obviously because they want me to be rich so I can support them when they're older. And if there's one thing both sides of my family have in common, it's pride. Everything has to be about prestige and not losing face. They don't genuinely care about me. They want me to be successful so they can watch one grandchild at least achieve something in life. Like a trophy. They're just exchanging an apartment for that essential Confucian ideal, and ideal that only people as traditionally Chinese as them would strive for. A bribe, so that they'll have someone who will 'care' for them when they're older. Each time I visit them I feel like I'm entering the principal's office or something. They always inspect me and interrogate me. About my grades, about my future, about my looks. They're cold, cold people. Colder than my mum, and that's saying something.

Well, I sure would appreciate it if I did inherit that Shanghai apartment. Then I'd totally sell it and get a mortgage for an apartment in Canberra. Or maybe not, I could also save the money and rent in Canberra instead. Just so that I get rent allowance, youth assistance and the relocation grant from the government.

Let's just say things would DEFINITELY look up if everything falls into place when I return to Sydney.

Harry Potter Studios, UK

Random tower. I think this might be in Copenhagen.

A castle bedroom. Loire Valley, France.

Countdown

To be honest, I'm not even that excited about the upcoming trip. My anxiousness definitely outweighs my excitement. Until I've solved the money problem, and the luggage problem, and the visa problem, and the floorboards problem, I can hardly let myself breath a sigh of relief.

Travelling on a shoestring is no fun. I'm just not the type that can enjoy myself while I'm broke, and I'm kind of regretting this trip before it's even started. I won't be able to relax until we get through into Amsterdam.

I feel like my lifestyle lately has been so unhealthy. Sometimes I don't go outside for days at a time which is so bad and defeats the whole purpose of renting an expensive place just because it's in Paris. Should have stuck with a nicer, larger, cheaper place in Berlin that doesn't have a clogged shower. Eurgh.

Palais Garnier, home to the Paris Opera Ballet

Versailles palace

Château de Chambord, Loire Valley

18 days left

As soon as I get back to Sydney, I'm working my butt off. Hopefully over Christmas I can get a job with okay pay. I would totally work on Christmas day, New Year's, e.g. just to get the double pay.

Just applied again on UAC. It sucks that they didn't keep my application from last year so I had to do it all over again. And pay like $62 because apparently just because I completed year 12 last year they have the right to charge me double. I've heard it's not too difficult to get equity scholarships at ANU if you are an interstate student, to help with moving costs. What annoys me is that the university offers don't get released until like 25 January or something and university starts on 17 February at ANU, so that gives me less than a month to find accommodation in Canberra. Unless something ridiculous happens, I should get into combined law according to this year's ATAR requirement. So something ridiculous better not happen, because I would hate to find accommodation, put down a deposit and then not be able to go to ANU after all. If I end up staying in Sydney, I will most likely to plain old International Studies at USyd. Either that or Psychology at UNSW. Or Bachelor of Arts in Languages at USyd. But I'm not worrying about that too much, because I SHOULD be able to go to ANU. Damn it if I hadn't done last minute cramming in the car and actually STUDIED for the HSC maybe I would've gotten those extra 2 ATAR points to do law at UNSW. Although if I went down that trail of thought I'd never stop. There are many things I regret about last year.

Been spending like crazy in Paris. I really need to stop.

Christmas street lights, Champs-Elysées, Paris

Crappy close-up of the Mona Lisa, Paris

L'Arc de Triomphe, Paris

Trying to relax

Last three weeks in Europe. Living alone has given me the chance to think and calm down a bit. I think I'm in a much better place now in my mind. My mental health has improved for sure. I've gotten to know central Paris much better, and for the past week especially I feel like I've gotten my life back on track. I have a schedule I stick to, so I don't just spend every day watching Pretty Little Liars nonstop (because that is quite tempting some days). I walk around the city for at least a couple of hours during the day, occasionally visit the Louvre when it's free on Friday evenings, look around random little Parisian boutiques. I even study quite a bit during the day. French, German, Spanish (thank God for Duolingo, Rosetta Stone and my heavy collection of language textbooks). I read up on Economics, Politics, International Relations, Law, Philosophy so I can get an idea of what I will enjoy at Uni and what I won't. 

Yes, I do believe I'm finally getting my life back on track. I almost forget sometimes the extent of how emotionally unhealthy au pairing was for me. Now looking back, I think a lot of my actions revealed just how anxious and mentally stressed I was, even if back then I didn't fully recognise or acknowledge why I did certain things. I had such an unhealthy relationship with food, and I'm not scared to admit it to myself now. Sometimes I would use it as a coping mechanism, other times I would practically starve myself for several days straight. I was obsessing over food, and I used to be ashamed of admitting that to myself. It was the only control I had in the numerous unpredictable and powerless situations I was faced with. The more impossible the goals I set, the more everything spiralled out of control. It almost reminded me of the horrible year after my grandmother died, except worse because now I'm old enough to know what I'm doing and what's happening to me. And experience the terrifying, depressing consequences afterwards. I can't believe that I'm finally in a healthy enough place to acknowledge I had issues with food that almost became pretty serious when I was au pairing. Before I arrived in Europe, I didn't have issues with food that were overly messed up, compared to other people. I think it started with the fact that Pascale, my French host mum, always was stingy with food and I was constantly hungry. I'd go into Paris and buy my own food, but that spiralled out of control sometimes. The problem worsened so much when I was in Bonn and the parents were onto me constantly and I was always upset. The family ate a tonne of junk at home, and that Austria ski holiday where there was an incredible buffet for an entire week. I think I was definitely at my worst in Bonn, because I was under the most stress there. Then in Berlin I kept getting more anxious about the thought of au pairing until September, and there was an awful period towards the end where I yearned to always go to bed at night feeling totally empty. In Spain I was also constantly on edge, but I quickly gave up what I took up in Berlin and practically did the opposite, despite the fact that the Spanish family were actually quite healthy, yet not in an annoying way. When I did something I regretted, I hated the feeling of losing control and it was just a constant cycle for me. A cycle I've finally managed to break after stopping au pairing. I thought it would never stop. The one thing I'd have to take with me back to Sydney. Something that would rule over my life so that I'd never be happy. Even now I'm not 100% sure I'm ok. But I sure am in a heck of a better place now than I ever was in the past 8 months. I think acknowledging to myself that I had issues is the first step.

I still can't believe I spent almost 8 months au pairing, and for four different families in four different cities. 

Only now is the stress and anxiety starting to melt away a bit. I wonder what it'll be like when I get back to Sydney. I'm not sure I quite reached my goal for this 'gap year'. I don't know. At least I got to experience Europe. And at least I will know never ever to be an au pair or stay with a host family again. Or have any roommates. When I get back to Sydney there'll still be about 4 months until I will want to move to Canberra. So technically this gap year is not over yet. 

I'll just have to wait and see what happens. 

Eiffel Tower, taken by moi at night

View from the London Eye ferris wheel

Lucerne, Switzerland

Back where I started and all this began...in Paris

I've done it. Finally quit au pairing last Tuesday, and I'm now living in my own studio apartment right in front of Centre Georges Pompidou, in the heart of Paris, 4th Arrondissement. 17 minutes walk from the Louvre. Last week I spent several days in Barcelona before leaving Spain (I'd only been to Barcelona ONCE in the 3 weeks I had au paired in Spain). I basically left without telling the family. Well, I kind of did but considering I wasn't getting through to the host mum, who hadn't paid me for my week's worth of work but had the nerve to ask me to stay for a couple more days without pay, I figured I didn't give a shit anymore and simply left. I got the last laugh in the end.

I'm anxious because I think I may not be allowed back into the Schengen zone for my trip in September. So basically I may very well be stuck in London for like a week and C might have to do Paris, Spain, Netherlands, etc on her own because there's a high possibility I won't be allowed into Amsterdam or anywhere else in the Schengen area. Mainly because I've overstayed my legal visa/whatever it is the German authorities gave me. Temporary visa, I guess. At first I thought I get a new 90 days to stay in Europe because it's been over 6 months since I first came to Europe, but apparently getting a temporary visa cancels out the 90 day visa free period. It's all very confusing, but I guess it will just depend on luck for me. I'll need to be lucky that they don't notice my lack of valid visa when I leave Berlin. And I'll also need to be lucky again that they don't notice how long I overstayed my last temporary visa when I enter Amsterdam from Dublin.

Another thing I'm stressed about is my shower in my studio apartment. The drain is freaking clogged so basically I unintentionally, accidentally flooded the wooden flooring outside my tiny bathroom. The drain I can kind of deal with, the water still goes down albeit incredibly slowly (I'll just have to take very very quick, efficient showers and turn off the water when I'm soaping up my hair and stuff). Unfortunately the flooring is another matter. The water caused the wood to swell to incredible proportions and part of the floorboard have cracked and risen like 7cm or so off the foundations. It's very, very noticeable. I rented the apartment on Airbnb so I don't know if they'll take money off my card for the damage when they notice it. I'm not even sure if there will be someone at the apartment when I check out. I don't suppose there will be, because technically I could check out anytime, all I need to do is leave my keys in the apartment. And I'm checking out at like 6am anyway. No point in someone coming just to collect the keys from me at 6 in the morning. What I'm concerned about is when the landlord eventually notices the damage to the floorboards. There wasn't a security deposit I had to pay for the apartment, so I don't know if they'll ask me to pay for it. I guess I could just blame it on the apartment itself, and say I woke up one morning to damaged floorboards. Even if they don't buy that, they can't just accuse me of something. Plus, the shower thing is technically their fault anyway. They shouldn't be renting out an apartment unless it's in perfect order.

So yeah, still a bit stressed, even if it's relatively small things. Gosh all the stress I've experienced in the past 8 or so months must be causing me to feel stressed more easily than is normal or something

Hat exhibition in the Rundetaarn, Copenhagen

Flügel shot, Amsterdam canal cruise

Hans Christian Andersen (I think?) statue, Copenhagen

Absolute ridiculousness

Follow up from my last post. Turns out I was being too positive, too soon.

Well what a shitty, stressful gap year I have had.

I don't even feel like writing about this anymore. Tiny, boring village and scorching hot weather. Throw in a moody, melodramatic and increasingly unpleasant 12 year old into the mix and it basically screams 'let's get out of here'. 

From Berlin to Barcelona

Two days ago, I arrived in Barcelona.

I don't like my room (rather claustrophobic) and I don't like where I'm living. The village, Sant Vicenç de Montalt, is absolutely freaking tiny. There is only one of everything. One bakery, one newsagency, one grocery store. Clothing store? Forget it, you'd have to go all the way to the next large town for that. Barcelona is 1-2 hours away, depending on if I'm lucky with not missing the bus and train. The bus to the train station comes every 30 mins and the train to Barcelona comes every 30 mins which truly makes me feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. Although there's a nice view of the ocean from the house, trying to walk to the beach from the village is still quite a trek and will have you huffing and puffing. I also hate the weather. So hot and humid. The semi-detached house is the complete opposite of the large, spacious dwelling in Chelles or the modern apartments in Bonn and Berlin. That is, the opposite of modern, with outdated appliances, decor and furniture. There's no mirror, lamp, trash can, dresser space in my room. Heck, there is barely even an accessible powerpoint, though I do like my bathroom well enough.

Yet, I love the family (even the Alaskan Malamute, Boy). Maybe I am speaking too soon. Perhaps in a month's time I will be cursing them, who knows. But so far, this has been the only family I've felt truly apart of from the start. Or maybe I'm just getting better at this integration thing? This family makes living in this tiny village worth it. Another confirmation, perhaps, that it's not where you are but who you are with that matters.

The mother is the type who picks up other people's carelessly tossed litter on the street and puts it in the bin herself. The type who gives up her seat on the train for pregnant and elderly people. I get this feeling from her that she is a good person. Just this vibe, straightaway. I get the same vibe from her daughter too, who's really lovely for a 12 year old. They made a real and true effort to teach me about Spanish food and culture, show me around the village as well as Barcelona. Tonight we even had dinner with my host mum's ex-husband (who's also great) and there were no awkward silences! We just had a great time sharing cultures. This is what I've always imagined au pairing to be. The family has been welcoming, generous but not uncomfortably over-the-top like the one in Bonn, and just truly made an effort to consider my needs and what I can get out of the experience, not just what they can.

Am I being positive too soon? We'll see.

Anxiety

It's been a stressful 6 months. I've learnt a lot about myself. Sure, there have been moments when I have enjoyed myself, but those moments are fast becoming few and far between.

I feel like I'm on some weird kind of boot camp that never seems to end. I'm constantly trying and trying to better myself because I want something major out of this gap year. But evidently, as with most things in the past, I haven't tried hard enough.

This really hasn't been good for my anxiety levels. I'm a naturally anxious person but this is starting to get kind of unhealthy, just a giant pile of stress. I think my main problems are that I'm still not what I want to be. I'm still bitter over how much of a fail my final year of high school was. And much as I wish I could deny it, I unfortunately have an underlying sense of dread almost about my future. I keep questioning my choices in terms of whether I should follow my head or my heart. Jeez that sounded so corny, but it's the truth. Should I go down the logical path of doing Law/International relations at ANU, or do what I truly feel I would be passionate at, that is, Music Studies/Arts at USyd? I wish I knew the answer to that question.

Nervous for Barcelona. I get this impending sense that it will NOT be an easy au pair job. I'm going to try and expect the bare minimum, because I've already had all my previous au pairing expectations crushed. So I really don't expect much at all. I just need to survive for the month of July, and that's all.

Gate at the Tower of London

The Louvre museum

Tower Bridge, London

NEVER AGAIN

Never again will I ever be an au pair. NEVER EVER AGAIN.

It's much harder than it sounds.

This family still isn't working out. K, the host mum, is constantly pissed at me and the twins are still little brats.

So it's off to Barcelona for me. Leaving 1 July, and my mum still thinks I'm au pairing for the family back in Bonn. This Spanish family will be my fourth family in 9 months abroad. That's an average of about 2 months for each family, and both German families were supposed to be long term 12 month placements. How pathetic.

I'm trying to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with me personally. It's just that I hate kids and I didn't get lucky in the host kid/family department is all. It's just how brutally honest the Germans can be. But even I am starting to have doubts about myself...after all if I can't even last long as an au pair, how am I going to perform well at any proper job? But I'll still try to keep positive, I suppose.

So, on the bright side. Barcelona. 400 euro per month, 50 hours a week (! Double what I do now) and public transport paid for. Nice thing is, those 50 hours per week won't consist of arguing with a selfish 8 year old brat who I seriously daydream about strangling sometimes. Nor do they consist of having to deal with 2 or 4 year olds. Instead I'm merely a companion to a 12 year old Spanish girl who can barely speak much English (purely 'academic' level according to her mum). It will just be for the month of July that I am spending her school holidays with her. Her mum made it sound very nice. Taking her to the cinema, letting her hang out with her friends, going to the beach together, exploring Barcelona together. They live in a small town called Sant Vicenç de Montalt, close to Barcelona. Then for the month of August while they're on vacation, I get to have peace and quiet for the entire month with the whole house to myself. How awesome. I doubt I get paid for August but oh well, whatever. Honestly I care less about money at the moment. I've been offered far better paid positions in London, Rome, Geneva, Paris, but this time I'm finally using my brain and considering what placement will suit me best. And I've decided that no matter how much money I can earn babysitting a rich family's brats in central London, I don't want to spend another two months being miserable and constantly on edge/having tension with the strangers I am living with. So Barcelona with a 12 year old it is. Plus, I've always wanted to learn Spanish.

But would I have told me 17 year old self not to au pair? No, I don't think so. As usual, this struggle that I'm going through is only making me stronger. You never know what something will be like until you experience it. If I had not taken a gap year and made the mistake of studying journalism/international studies at UNSW, I would have spent the rest of my life wondering what could have been. Not to mention the places I have been able to visit...it's been amazing, honestly. The cultural aspect. I'll have gotten to live in Paris for 3 months, Bonn for 1 month, Berlin for 3 months and Barcelona for 2 months. Amazing cities with amazing history and incredible culture, and not many people are able to say that they've experienced living in France, Germany and Spain during a gap year.

Went to Copenhagen last weekend. It was stunning. Expensive, but well worth it.

Andante exhibition by Christian Lemmerz (The Cisterns, Copenhagen)

Old mill (Frilandsmuseet, Copenhagen)

Gorgeous buildings with Church of Our Saviour in the background, Copenhagen

Breaking point

I really want to go home now. Like really, really badly. It's not like I'm homesick. It's not like I miss my mum. It's more like I just want to get out of this job. Heck, I don't even necessarily have to go home to feel better. If someone told me I could just move to a hotel in Berlin and do nothing for the next four months I'd still be over the moon.

I guess there's no such thing as the perfect host family, but maybe I'm just not cut out to be an au pair at all. I have the least outgoing personality ever, and unfortunately I get the feeling that my cultural clashes aren't necessarily 'Australian' with German. More like the Chinese side clashing with German. Because let's face it, Australian and German culture aren't a hell of a lot different, but Chinese and German culture is. There are just certain ways of doing things and certain perspectives I inherited growing up in a family with super-Chinese perspectives, and I can never grow out of them. It's hard to define or explain exactly, but I just don't feel comfortable role-playing as a non-Chinese. Things like disciplining kids and even really random issues relating to money. For example, in Chinese culture an au pair would not ask the host mum for money to buy the family's groceries and stuff. That's just totally inappropriate. From a Chinese perspective, that is. It's just not done. Maybe because Chinese people, stereotypically, are naturally suspicious of others, or funny about money. Whereas in Germany, the au pair would ask the mum for money to buy groceries and not feel awkward about it.

That sounds totally weird, but then again I'm in a totally weird mood.

I'm just sick of everything and I'm sick of constantly feeling uncomfortable in my 'home' environment. The boys are being really rude to me, disrespectful and obnoxious. Just things like not doing what I ask them to do, turning on the TV when I tell them not to, calling me 'dumb' and that sort of thing, always trying to eat food for dinner that they're not supposed to (like cereal and stuff). They've been tattling to their mum about me, too. Well, not tattling exactly because I haven't been doing anything wrong. But they've told the mum that I always walk ahead of them with their sister when we're on our way home from school (uhhh, maybe because they are always so slow)? Plus, how is this a problem? They're allowed to walk to places by themselves anyway, and the old au pair did the same thing! Sometimes I am on my phone when we're on the bus, and one of the boys asked me why I was always on my phone. I don't see why that's a problem, because it's not like they want me to entertain them. They're 8, for god's sake, not 1 year olds who need me to play peek-a-boo. They play together and talk to each other in German, anyway. So even if I wasn't on my phone, I'd just be watching them and doing nothing. Plus I only go on my phone on the bus for 5 minutes, I never go on my phone when there are actually things that need to be done, like dinner or dirty dishes or cleaning or laundry.

So the mum said she doesn't mind that I'm not outgoing and I keep to myself, but she's 'concerned' about how I need to have more of a bond with the boys, and I need to be more interested in their lives. Just the boys, because I already have a good relationship with their sister. Maybe because she's actually respectful and nice and normal? The boys definitely have anger management/bratty kid tendencies. FML I didn't sign up for this. I didn't sign up to play 'best friend' or 'candy dispenser' to a couple of 8 year olds (because they keep asking me to buy them things like candy). I can handle au pairing as long as there are no emotional/personal obligations involved, because I hate kids so I obviously can't enjoy spending time with them just talking and stuff. I'd rather be the 'do my job and get outta here' type of au pair who does the bare minimum, simple things like the cleaning and cooking. No mind games or psychological shit with kids.

So over this. I still think I will be sticking it out with this family until September, because technically they aren't that bad (nowhere near as bad as the last 2) and the issues they have with me aren't exactly big, anyway. They're certainly not going to fire me for not having a good relationship with the boys, because I am still doing my job after all. And considering how much the mum hates doing cleaning up or laundry of ANY kind (even seeing a pile of dirty dishes in the sink drives her crazy), then I'm guessing she needs me because she's pretty busy. Plus it would be a hassle for her to find a new au pair. You never know who you're going to get. At least she trusts me and knows my faults aren't serious. I think the boys wouldn't even say these things to their mum unless they wanted to get me into trouble (their version of revenge due to me not buying them candy and stuff), which is the sucky thing about older kids who have had au pairs their entire lives. They know how to play games.

Positivity

I think that's what I need right now. Just some positivity and happy thoughts. When I was in France, it still felt a bit like a whole big vacation type situation because it was only a 2 month stay. Now this no longer feels like vacation at all. Part of me thinks I'm wasting a year of my life doing absolutely nothing. I've found a place that I can hire a piano practice room for 1 hour, 4 days a week, but I'm sure the piano isn't even that good and at 50 euros per month it isn't that cheap of a deal either. But I still feel like I will be wasting a year of practice when I get back home. At my peak, last September before my music HSC exam, I was practising up to around 5 hours a day. The last time I touched a piano was the day of my conservatorium audition in mid-December, maybe about 5 or so days before I left for Shanghai. You don't go from practising for hours a day to absolutely no practice for 4 months. It's weird to think that never before in my entire life have I ever gone without practising for so long. That's right, ever since I was 4 my biggest break on the piano was probably the time I went overseas to LA/Shanghai in 2011/12, and that was only for like 2 months or so I think. Actually, that's not even true because I was still practising in Shanghai. Okay then, ever since I was 4, up until this point, the longest I had gone without touching a piano was probably 4 weeks in year 9 when I visited Shanghai. That's scary to think about. I learnt music before I could speak fluent English, before I could read or write. Funny how living without it for so long makes me miss it (even though I had fallen out of love with it long ago). Funny how right now I forget about all the blood, sweat and tears.

For easter, the entire family has gone up near the Dutch border to visit the kids' grandparents, so I have the entire house to myself. It feels a bit lonely, but awesome at the same time. I have only had a few social conversations with anyone since being in Europe. A, the au pair after me in Paris, was my age and we got along pretty well but it's not like we became friends or anything seeing as I was leaving anyway. Then there was S, the family in Bonn's previous au pair who I didn't connect with at all because she and I are just polar opposites. Plus she was 25, and a 7 year age gap is pretty big. I always felt like she was judging me too, and of course old host mum An would have bitched about me to her so she'd already formed a judgementally negative opinion of me. Then there is Z, this family's previous au pair, who is 23 and nice but I'm still the polar opposite of her too. She's into the whole drug, alcohol, sex, party scene and despite Berlin's reputation, I really didn't come here to smoke pot or go to wild clubs. There's a time and place for that, and when I take into consideration what I want, a gap year overseas just doesn't involve this for me. H is an au pair, also 23, that I met through my host mum's friend. She reminds me so much of Ro from high school, it's really uncanny. Maybe it's because Ro was Indian (or Punjabi, as she likes to point out), and H is Sri Lankan. But H too is not really my type. She's super extroverted and a self proclaimed 'people person', and like Z she smokes (and scarily enough hasn't told her host mum yet...I mean you can't hide that from her for an entire year). She's also done drugs and partied in Berlin when she was an exchange student here, but doesn't seem to be as heavily into that stuff as Z. Also like Z, she dabbled in arts at university and now has no idea what the hell she is doing. Looks like the 'you want fries with that' stereotype regarding arts really is accurate. I guess it's hard, because people like me don't really go on gap years or au pair. Usually it's the super bubbly, extroverted, rebellious, slightly older partier.

I actually really wouldn't mind going home at this point. Ok, except for the fact that I have to face everyone else being at uni and me just doing nothing. But right now, me living in Germany is slightly pointless other than the fact that I can try to better myself here before going back home. After all, I can just as easily learn German in Sydney because I could still sort of mooch of my mum's money and ask her to pay for German intensives. I think the whole 'immersion' experience only works in a foreign country if you already understand some of the language. For example, my French improved by leaps and bounds because I could expand on what I already knew, but it's not the same when I don't know a single word of German. Heck I don't even like the German language, it sounds really unappealing and just not very pleasant to the ear, which makes me less motivated to learn it. Plus I may as well be in Sydney to earn some major cash and put the spare time to good use. I would have earned a lot actually over a year, considering I was tutoring/teaching piano to a few kids before I left which already paid pretty well, and with an extra full time job on the side I would have earned some good money for the move to Canberra. After passing that piano diploma exam in year 11 which is like the piano world equivalent of a bachelor's degree, I may even have been able to get a job at a proper music studio. Because let's face it, no one (unless you're from Bosnia, Colombia, Moldova or something) actually au pairs to earn money...au pairs are always, always short on money because I earn next to nothing seeing as my board, lodging, transport and phone plan are paid for. Damn it I should have stayed in Sydney and enrolled at ANU for second semester entry. If I get rejected for a visa in June, I wouldn't mind going back home (except for the nasty plane ticket cost). The only plus side to this whole au pairing experience so far has probably been how it's satiated my curiosity about Europe, killed the travel bug obsession I had going on, and it's taught me a whole lot of skills in terms of being more independent and even managing a household. Things like budgeting for myself, grocery shopping for the family, cooking for the family, doing housework, finding my way around, learning how to live with difficult people, learning how to live with strangers. This is making me feel slightly better I guess, because there are always good things that come out of everything and despite all my doubts about the next 9 months, there have still been life skills learnt for me that are important and mean the world to me. Skills that really can't be learnt any other way and I wouldn't relinquish them for anything. The invaluable skills I've learnt and the important lessons I've experienced actually makes all the stress with host families worth it. I guess in a way, this is a whole big learning process and the things I have gotten out of this experience, whether good or bad, are way more important than starting uni a year earlier. I guess practical life skills can't even really be learnt in 5 years at uni, and au pairing actually prepares me for living on my own in Canberra for the next 5 years. I guess there is a part of me that truly believes there really are positives to this experience and that I am doing this to better myself, because otherwise I would not still be holding onto it, and determined enough to make this work after 2 fail families. Otherwise I would just have left for Sydney already, despite the 'I told you so' that my mum would probably inevitably greet me with when I return home. But a couple of people have affirmed that it is a big thing for me to be doing this at 17 and 18, and the problems I've had to solve, the issues and aspects that go with au pairing, I would never even have imagined as a naive year 12 girl searching up au pair websites in the library and telling everyone she was going to Finland for a year when she was supposed to be studying.

So I will not be returning home early, but I can still tell myself that even if I chose to do so, no one can judge me or say 'I told you so', unless they have experienced hitting rock bottom (well as rock bottom as an au pair can hit) at 17 or 18, totally alone in a new country overseas where they don't speak the language, criticised and judged for their personality every week by cold and distant host parents and then being dismissed/fired and faced with the possibility of returning back home as a failure. Because only then could anyone possible understand how hard it is. I haven't even told my mum or grandpa yet that I moved to Berlin 3 weeks ago (my mum is so muddled and absentminded that she can't even recall I was in Bonn to begin with, not Berlin).

On the plus side, if everything works out perfect for me until next January, I've already convinced my mum that I should meet her in Miami or New York (preferably the latter, although she would rather visit Miami) and go on a Caribbean cruise before flying to Shanghai and then back to Sydney. Wishful thinking perhaps, because the plane tickets from here to Miami and then back to Sydney are freaking expensive. But I really want to go on a cruise...that would be my perfect idea of a holiday. Lounging on a large private balcony, snorkelling in the caribbean...it just sounds so, so nice. Plus I am kind of obsessed with visiting the US again seeing as I sort of expected I would go with the old host family to New York in July, so I even have some extra US currency with me.

Sometimes I forget how pissed I was at my mum before I left for Europe, or how screwed up things are between us and how hard the HSC was on me. How much better I could have done. I just hate myself sometimes because I got 88 in English, 89 in Music 2 and 89 in History, and if I just got a 90 in those three subjects (that's FOUR marks more), it would have been good enough to do Law at UNSW and I would have made the all-rounders list and I wouldn't have made the mistake of coming to Europe for a year and I wouldn't have done absolutely disappointedly bad in the HSC and everything would have been ok.

Seriously, I need to change the title of this blog because I'm not even into travelling anymore. After that Contiki trip I've just been sick of it. I'm kind of losing sight of why I wanted to au pair in the first place. Funny, because Anja the bitchy mum from Bonn actually said the same thing. She was like 'sometimes I'm not sure why you wanted to be an au pair'. Because I clearly don't like kids and all, I guess was what she was getting at. Most people either do it for the cultural experience (which would be useless for me because in that case I would have chosen France seeing as I already know some French, enough to get by). If I were doing it for the cultural/language immersion, Germany would be such a pointless choice for me. Other people au pair in order to travel, but as I already explained, I'm sick of that and really quite over it. Nowadays when I'm in Berlin and I see something photo-worthy I don't even bother taking a photo. I've barely even explored that much of Berlin and would prefer to spend my weekends at home (if it didn't make me seem like a weirdo to my host family). Big contrast to when I was au pairing in Paris and spent every second of my free time outside of the house. H keeps pressuring me to go to Prague with her but I don't think I want to. Just too much of a hassle changing currencies, and I don't even connect with H that much. Plus she would want to stay in a nasty mixed dorm hostel which really isn't my thing. Is it sad that if I were to go to Prague, my main reason would be so that I can add another country to my 'list of countries I've been to'? I guess that is kind of sad. But I really don't enjoy travelling and sightseeing anymore. Europe is just full of castles, palaces, art museums, canals, old city squares, cathedrals...they all kind of become similar and especially as I don't know the history of most of these cities it's hard to get into all the sightseeing. My favourite places I've visited so far are probably the beautiful sights in Paris (for the aesthetic beauty, not the history because I never learnt about French history), and interestingly enough the visit to Dachau concentration camp near Munich and the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam were the most incredible experiences so far. Venice too was gorgeous, but way too touristy in my opinion and the beauty of the canals and little stores got a bit old after only like an hour of walking around.

I feel like my posts have slowly turned into big rambling messes of jumbled up thoughts with no structure. I hope they don't reflect my diminishing writing skills after having been out of school for so long.

Trevi Fountain, Rome

View of Pudong across the Huangpu River from the Bund, Shanghai

Innsbruck, Austria

Settling in

Just passed the 2 week mark since I've been here. Good news is, I have not had any conflict or confrontations with the mum whatsoever. She is totally fair with my work hours and I in return do my job to the best of my ability and try to take initiative. Semi bad news is, I hate Ale, one of the twins. He is a freaking annoying thing. He is so, so rude and a total bully. What freaks me out is I used to think rude kids were a reflection of their parents and upbringing, but his twin isn't half as bad, and their older 11 year old sister An is a total angel. It's just Ale that seems to be the black sheep in this family. Day before yesterday, I asked him to get his swim bag after school and he was like, 'no'. So I went to get it for him, and by then I was already a bit pissed at him (after all, his twin Alb went and got his without drama). Then we go to the grocery store because I needed to get a few things, and the kids begged for a snack. There were 2 doughnuts left at the store and 3 kids, so I bought 2 doughnuts and a muffin. I offer Ale half a doughnut and he full on flips out at me, telling me he wants a full one. I say he can't have a full one because it's not fair, as there are 3 kids and 2 doughnuts, so if 2 kids each got a full doughnut then one would miss out. Then he flips out even more and screams at the U-bahn station that there is something wrong with my brain. By then I am totally pissed too and threaten to cancel his tv time that night. Then he goes home and hides in his sister's bed while I'm looking for him and semi freaking out that he left the house without telling me. When his mum comes home he also complains to her about me. Luckily she understands and is used to his horrible behaviour and rude attitude, and just tells me not to be too hard on him to begin with because he takes after his dad (who apparently also goes crazy when slightly aggravated). It's not just that but also little things, like if I give him a glass of milk he might yell at me in a totally rude tone of voice that it's not warm enough, or complain to me really obnoxiously if I hand him a box of cereal that is not the one he prefers (like I am a total mind reader). 

Yesterday he also burst into crocodile tears as soon as he walked out the school door, saying he couldn't walk at all because he was sore all over??? So then I had to call his mum at his insistence, and she had to leave work early to pick him up. And today he faked being sick so he got to stay at home (but was apparently well enough to play on his tablet and watch TV all day). And guess who had to stay home for the whole day to supervise him? That's right, yours truly. Although I was pretty sneaky and asked the mum whether it was ok to leave him at home alone when I went to pick up his siblings from school. She said that was fine as long as I left my phone number for him in case of an emergency. So I figured since it didn't seem to be much of a big deal leaving a 8 year old home alone to pick up the other 2 from school, I'd go to my scheduled riding lesson today after all. And thank god nothing bad happened. The little twit stealing caramel waffle cookies and his sister's chocolate was all that happened, and neither him or his mum seemed to realise that I was gone from the house for 3 hours. 

The riding lesson was pretty crap. I found an english speaking riding instructor, but it seemed dodgy from the start. I was told it was 40 euros for a 45 minute lesson (which is semi expensive by German standards), but was only charged 20 euros by the person at the office. Which is a good thing, but still a bit dodgy because why would the instructor say it was 40 not 20. And then I was told to arrive 30 minutes before my lesson in order to groom and tack up my horse? Anyhow, that's pretty strange because I'm the one paying for a service and I expect my horse to be ready to go, I shouldn't have to waste my time tacking him up. In my opinion that job totally belongs to the instructor/stable hands who are paid for their time. That's kind of like saying you should arrive 30 minutes before your restaurant reservation so you can cook your own food or something. Or that someone who has booked a spa treatment should arrive 30 minutes beforehand to collect the products needed for the treatment and set up equipment. Plus, the annoying thing is I'm not confident tacking up a horse by myself yet. Sure, I could do it if I tried, but there are so many bits and pieces and I've only been showed a couple of times. Plus the teacher knew I only had very basic riding skills, so as someone who is not that confident yet around horses, it isn't easy for me to do things like get the horse to take the bit. Because I'm not that keen on sticking my finger around a horse's lips to get it to open its mouth. Neither am I too keen on picking a horse's hooves or accidentally poking it in the sensitive part of its hoof. Getting bitten by a horse or getting my hand trampled over by one in a foreign country would not be an ideal scenario. Not to mention the instructor herself was absolute crap. She basically had a social conversation with these 3 other people for the entire lesson. I warmed up the horse by myself, trotted him around half the arena with virtually no direction/pointers from the teacher, and then cooled him down to the sound of the instructor still chatting away. She actually gave me zero pointers on my posture/feet and leg position/seat. The only thing I got from her was 'give him a harder kick' and 'hold your reins lower'. She then suggested I take lunge lessons instead (which sure would require much more effort on the teacher's part, which is maybe why she referred me to a colleague instead). I don't understand why there is such thing as separate lunge and riding lessons anyway. Every other place I have been to, the instructor combines the two depending on what your skill level is or what you need to work on. And I've been to like 5 places where I received at least a bit of riding instruction. I guess you really do get what you pay for. 20 euros for 45 minutes cannot compare to the $100/hour lessons I had back in Sydney. Anyhow, I'm checking out another 25 euros for 45 minutes riding place next Tuesday, which is hopefully better. 

Grounded

I finally feel a bit grounded, thank god. At last I feel like I'm with a family I will be able to stay with for the next 9 months (well, I am supposedly meant to stay until March, but they can't do anything about it if I want to leave in January). Uni starts on 16 February, and I have to say possibly the most important thing to come out of this gap year so far has been my decision to do international relations/law at ANU instead of international studies/journalism at UNSW. If I had gone with my initial choice, I would very likely have regretted it by now.

I have about 50 minutes before I need to leave and get the kids. The kids are actually pretty good. Ale is a bit difficult sometimes and can be a pain in the ass, but in the end he knows the limits and still listens to me and does as he is told. The good thing about this family is that the mum herself doesn't seem to be totally that interested in her kids (by this I mean more as in isn't as obsessed as Anja was), so she can hardly expect me to be that interested either.

Meeting the former au pair, Z, was certainly interesting. Definitely not what I expected. I think she is around 23 or 24, and is totally crazy (not necessarily in a bad way, just crazy). She's done probably all the drugs under the sun and I had to sit there and listen to her take on all of them. She drinks and smokes quite a lot (so did K, the mum, to my surprise, but only outside and only occasionally). She hates cocaine and the date rape drug, whatever the proper name for that is. She likes smoking pot and she likes ecstasy. Apparently pot and ecstasy are the most common drugs in Berlin, and things like heroin and ice aren't as popular. She goes out and parties until like 5:30am in the morning, and then plays the role of au pair several hours later which is kind of insane but surprisingly enough she wasn't too bad at her job because she lasted 10 months and then quit for personal reasons because she was drinking too much under stress or something. She's bi and one of those artsy partiers. She did a degree on creative writing and ancient Greece, and now has no idea what she wants to do in life which kind of freaks me out. Proof, I guess, of why studying something you enjoy is not necessarily a good thing. To be honest If I were in my mid twenties and au pairing, I would feel kind of lost too.

 Guess it was kind of naïve of me, but I really didn't realise Berlin was such a big party place. Z showed me all the best clubs or whatever online, and it all seems so wild. Apparently everyone does drugs and you see people having sex in random corners all the time.

But she also said she fell in love with Berlin and that it's her favourite place in the world.

We'll see about that. I'm really hoping this year works out for the better.

Schumann, Schnuller baum and Cologne Cathedral

Also ein bisschen mehr auf das Zeug besuchte ich in Nord-Rhein-Westfalen. Ich habe nicht wirklich viel tun, weil in der Regel Sightseeing, wenn Sie annehmen, dass Sie irgendwo für mindestens 6 Monate aufhalten, dann würden Sie viel Zeit haben, um alles in der Freizeit zu sehen. Wie auch immer, eines der unglaublichsten Orte, die ich besuchte, war Schumanns Grab auf einem Friedhof in Bonn. Beethovens Mutter war angeblich auch dort beerdigt, aber ich hatte keine Lust, ihr Grab zu finden. Es ist etwas Ehrfurcht zu wissen, Sie sind zu Fuß in das Land der großen Komponisten unter, und wirklich zu wissen, Schumann unter der Erde stand ich begraben wurde einfach unglaublich.

The Schnuller baum, or pacifier tree, was a pretty funny sight I just had to take a snapshot of. Literally a pacifier tree in front of the children's hospital. Lukas and Lara finally gave up the freaking pacifiers thanks to that tree. I mean what type of parents allow a FOUR YEAR OLD to keep sucking on a bloody pacifier? It's downright harmful to the child and embarrassing. No more nookies sure was a relief. Actually, they went to the pacifier tree without me and then Anja told me off for not asking her how it went because she thought I should have cared more. Boy am I glad to get away from her.

The third photo shows the giant Cologne Cathedral, supposedly the most visited tourist attraction in Germany. It is pretty huge but to be honest kind of ugly in real life and not very impressive inside, either. After gorgeous churches in Paris like Saint-Chapelle, Notre-Dame and Sacre-Coeur, this one just doesn't strike me as that amazing. Cologne was still a nice city though, very much like a busier, bigger version of Bonn with the Rhine and pedestrian district and all. I visited Cologne twice to enquire about piano rental at the Bechstein store, and I really had my hopes up about it and then discovered they needed dumb things I didn't have, like proof of income and a visa proving I would stay for a year. Pretty annoying considering I spend like 22 euros on train tickets to and from Cologne. Oh well, still was worth visiting just to be able to say I've been to Cologne.

Robert and Clara Schumann's graves, Bonn cemetery

Pacifier tree outside a hospital in Bonn

Cologne Cathedral, the biggest one in Germany

Looking back on Bonn

Ich habe nichts dagegen, Bonn als eine Stadt, eigentlich. Ich wirklich nicht. Es war die perfekte Größe für mich. Freundlich, entspannt, viele junge Leute, da auf sie in der Mitte der Stadt der Universität. Es war schön, in der Lage, während meiner seltenen Momente der Ruhe weg von den Kindern durch die Stadt zu wandern, zu Fuß entlang dem Rhein. Bonn hatte so ziemlich alles, was ich brauchte. Kultur, Geschichte, eine Statue von Beethoven, eine beruhigende Lage am Fluss, zwei große Kaufhäuser, TK Maxx, H & M, Vera Moda, gefrorenen Joghurt Geschäfte, ein Donut-Shop, sogar ein Hollister. Ich liebte, wie es gerade erst begonnen hatte das Gefühl ein bisschen wärmer und sonnig, und zum ersten Mal, seit ich in Europa angekommen konnte ich endlich aus dem Haus gehen, ohne einem Mantel oder einer dicken Jacke auf.

The family did live in a gorgeous area of Bonn, the Südstadt. The houses were all really old.

Statue of Beethoven in the center of Bonn

Beethoven graffiti!

Beethoven's house

New beginnings...for the third time

J'espère que cette famille va s'arranger . J'ai dit que deux fois auparavant et il n'a pas fonctionné . Troisième temps de la chance , peut-être . J'ai un bon feeling sur cette famille . Je ne sais pas , un tout petit peu d'intuition qui me dit que cela ne fonctionnera enfin sorti . Je vais m'assurer de lui. Maintenant que j'ai eu un peu juste de l'expérience des familles d'accueil , je sais ce qu'ils attendent de moi et ce que je peux attendre d'eux . Je pense que de nombreuses jeunes filles au pair premier temps , ils sont vraiment incertain et timide sur certaines choses au début, mais maintenant que j'ai eu cette expérience déjà , je peux à peu près saut droit en droits de filles au pair ma première journée complète ici .

Last Sunday I woke up feeling plain depressed and annoyed, a feeling that grew when I was obliged to join the host family at a kid's music concert when they never gave me the choice of whether I wanted to go with them on my day off or not. By then, I'd already arranged Skype interviews with several host families because I was ready to leave as soon as I found a family that offered similar or better. I decided it wasn't worth staying just for the trip to New York in August, because as I eventually realised, it doesn't matter where you are but it does matter who you are with. Sure, New York sounds amazing but all of that would be totally spoiled just by the fact that I'd have to spend every day with the Kaessners again. Not even a free plane ticket to New York could possibly make me want to spend every second of every day with those two brats for a whole month.

Coincidentally, on that Sunday, the very day I had arranged a Skype interview with a mum from Berlin for when the kids went swimming, Jens fired me. I was in my room, he walked in, sat down and just said 'Joanna, I don't think this is going to work out'. He then started comparing me to 13 year old L, the daughter of a family friend. Apparently I failed the test of babysitting for a whole day on Saturday. I think that was what finally made them fire me. I kind of saw it coming, so I was actually pretty calm about it. If I hadn't already found a family, I would have semi freaked, but even then it would have been ok because I'd have known that I could eventually find one pretty fast due to me already being in Germany. Nothing could compare to how upset, lonely and isolated I felt after that first week. I felt like total shit when they told me off for the first time. When they said I needed to be more outgoing and open and told me off for not socialising enough at Lukas' 4th birthday. I pretty much sat on a park bench near Bonn university and just stayed there, thinking things through and trying to make myself feel better. But being fired, surprisingly, made me feel almost a sense of relief and instant calm. I could finally leave.

It's a bit hard to describe why I hated living with the Kaessners, but I think it all comes down to my personality and need for privacy. I hated the kids. I hated them screaming and being all undisciplined. I hated how the parents let them do whatever they wanted. I hated how the mum worked from home and I could never relax alone in the house. I hated how the mum was always hovering around when I babysat the kids. I hated how they made me feel like I wasn't good enough for them, and I needed to change my personality. I hated how my bedroom was so open to everyone in the family and I never had my privacy. I hated having to cross the living room and kitchen just to get to 'my' bathroom. What my current host mum said totally makes sense. You can't force yourself to like something, and the moment I saw my room, the moment I got my first glimpse of how shockingly undisciplined the kids were in public, was the moment I should have realised that it wasn't going to work out. Anja was such a bitch and didn't even give me a ride to the station when she said she was going to, so I spent quite a stressful few minutes trying to get hold of a taxi that would take me to the station which was 3 minutes away. Literally when I left, Anja just stood by the door, shook my hand and complained to me that she didn't know if she could cancel the monthly health insurance she had signed me up for. Didn't even offer to help my carry one of my 4 heavy bags/suitcases down the 2 flights of stairs or anything, let alone ask how I would get to the station. I attempted to walk at first but realised that was impossible with 2 suitcases, a giant duffle bag, a handbag and a backpack. Thank God the taxi came when it did, because I honestly started to think I would miss the train to Berlin.

This family lives about 20 minutes away from the city centre. I love the apartment and the way it is laid out, way cooler than the old apartment in Bonn. The mum has had 9 former au pairs, and surely out of those 9, I can't be the worst or anything. Because I do take my job seriously, it's just that I hate kids so I don't interact with them if possible. Otherwise I am fine with doing housework and cleaning, that stuff doesn't bother me at all. 

Confused

So much shit has also gone down with this German host family. I don't even want to think about it. It's freaking stressing me out. Au pairing is so stressful. I don't like the kids, the parents are picky and difficult and pissy and I just don't know what I'm doing here. I've been told things like I'm not outgoing enough, and other things that just make me really mad. I don't know if I will last 6 months let alone a year. I have my heart set on leaving after 6 months anyway. I will get my German classes from May to June so I want to stay for that, and I also want to get the chance to go to the US in July/August for having to put up with this shit. Sometimes I just go on Facebook (not on my account, but just the search function) and look at these photos of all these people I knew back home who were in my year at school and what they're up to now. And I reminisce about school and how safe and secure it felt. And it all feels so, so distant, like it was from another lifetime.

Living in Europe is not all I thought it would be. The novelty wore off after like 2 weeks in France. After the Contiki tour I actually got kind of sick of travelling in Europe. Everything is basically the same. I could be in the middle of a random street in Florence and it may as well be in Innsbruck, Austria. All these European cities have the same sort of feel about them.

This really sucks. I don't want to go home and I'm not comfortable here, either. Sometimes I don't think I have ever truly revealed myself to anyone in this world, and no one has ever gotten me before.

I know so many people who go to UNSW it drives me crazy. I don't want to deal with them or have to interact with them at uni.

I think I may go to ANU after all next year. I want to escape everything. I wish I could go to Uni in a different country, but obviously I can't. So ANU is the next best thing. I don't want to deal with anyone I know. I want to start new in another city where I don't know a single soul. So Canberra it is.

From now on I think I will upload 3 pictures I took for each post I make, and maybe think of something I can say about them.

A chandelier in Versailles palace, I think

Disneyland Paris

Notre Dame, Paris