Breaking point

I really want to go home now. Like really, really badly. It's not like I'm homesick. It's not like I miss my mum. It's more like I just want to get out of this job. Heck, I don't even necessarily have to go home to feel better. If someone told me I could just move to a hotel in Berlin and do nothing for the next four months I'd still be over the moon.

I guess there's no such thing as the perfect host family, but maybe I'm just not cut out to be an au pair at all. I have the least outgoing personality ever, and unfortunately I get the feeling that my cultural clashes aren't necessarily 'Australian' with German. More like the Chinese side clashing with German. Because let's face it, Australian and German culture aren't a hell of a lot different, but Chinese and German culture is. There are just certain ways of doing things and certain perspectives I inherited growing up in a family with super-Chinese perspectives, and I can never grow out of them. It's hard to define or explain exactly, but I just don't feel comfortable role-playing as a non-Chinese. Things like disciplining kids and even really random issues relating to money. For example, in Chinese culture an au pair would not ask the host mum for money to buy the family's groceries and stuff. That's just totally inappropriate. From a Chinese perspective, that is. It's just not done. Maybe because Chinese people, stereotypically, are naturally suspicious of others, or funny about money. Whereas in Germany, the au pair would ask the mum for money to buy groceries and not feel awkward about it.

That sounds totally weird, but then again I'm in a totally weird mood.

I'm just sick of everything and I'm sick of constantly feeling uncomfortable in my 'home' environment. The boys are being really rude to me, disrespectful and obnoxious. Just things like not doing what I ask them to do, turning on the TV when I tell them not to, calling me 'dumb' and that sort of thing, always trying to eat food for dinner that they're not supposed to (like cereal and stuff). They've been tattling to their mum about me, too. Well, not tattling exactly because I haven't been doing anything wrong. But they've told the mum that I always walk ahead of them with their sister when we're on our way home from school (uhhh, maybe because they are always so slow)? Plus, how is this a problem? They're allowed to walk to places by themselves anyway, and the old au pair did the same thing! Sometimes I am on my phone when we're on the bus, and one of the boys asked me why I was always on my phone. I don't see why that's a problem, because it's not like they want me to entertain them. They're 8, for god's sake, not 1 year olds who need me to play peek-a-boo. They play together and talk to each other in German, anyway. So even if I wasn't on my phone, I'd just be watching them and doing nothing. Plus I only go on my phone on the bus for 5 minutes, I never go on my phone when there are actually things that need to be done, like dinner or dirty dishes or cleaning or laundry.

So the mum said she doesn't mind that I'm not outgoing and I keep to myself, but she's 'concerned' about how I need to have more of a bond with the boys, and I need to be more interested in their lives. Just the boys, because I already have a good relationship with their sister. Maybe because she's actually respectful and nice and normal? The boys definitely have anger management/bratty kid tendencies. FML I didn't sign up for this. I didn't sign up to play 'best friend' or 'candy dispenser' to a couple of 8 year olds (because they keep asking me to buy them things like candy). I can handle au pairing as long as there are no emotional/personal obligations involved, because I hate kids so I obviously can't enjoy spending time with them just talking and stuff. I'd rather be the 'do my job and get outta here' type of au pair who does the bare minimum, simple things like the cleaning and cooking. No mind games or psychological shit with kids.

So over this. I still think I will be sticking it out with this family until September, because technically they aren't that bad (nowhere near as bad as the last 2) and the issues they have with me aren't exactly big, anyway. They're certainly not going to fire me for not having a good relationship with the boys, because I am still doing my job after all. And considering how much the mum hates doing cleaning up or laundry of ANY kind (even seeing a pile of dirty dishes in the sink drives her crazy), then I'm guessing she needs me because she's pretty busy. Plus it would be a hassle for her to find a new au pair. You never know who you're going to get. At least she trusts me and knows my faults aren't serious. I think the boys wouldn't even say these things to their mum unless they wanted to get me into trouble (their version of revenge due to me not buying them candy and stuff), which is the sucky thing about older kids who have had au pairs their entire lives. They know how to play games.