The only subject I have successfully completed this semester is French. Mais, c'est seulement parce que le français n'était pas trop difficile.
Technically, I haven't failed a subject yet. Sure, I've gotten 52 in an IR essay. But I've also gotten mostly distinctions/high distinctions in both my law courses. At least my only solace is knowing I'm not dropping out of uni because I was actually failing. Instead, I've dropped all my courses before exam period so I now have a Withdrawal with Failure on my academic transcript, and a neat sum of fees added to my HECS.
But I'm the happiest I've been since I've moved to Canberra. And at least it was a semester's worth of wasted fees, not five years.
Fuck prestige. Fuck being rich, or having a 'respectable' career. Who needs that when you're completely depressed all the time?
I want happiness.
And I'm finally mature enough to understand this. I used to think of uni drop outs as lazy people who never bothered with life. Now I understand. Everyone is different. Not everyone can study law at uni and not be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Just like not everyone can practise piano for 5 hours straight. As for the people who simply force themselves to study because it's the 'right' thing to do, well it's the dropouts who are brave enough to go for what they want in life. Funny how all the airy fairy 'not conforming to societal expectations' shit we learnt throughout high school English actually does apply to life.
Of course my mum wants to kill me, but she'll come around. I live life for me, not my family.
These past couple of weeks leading up to exam period I've been working over 40 hours a week as a part time specialist at Apple and also as a casual travel consultant at Greyhound (quit Sunglass Hut, thank God). And I realised this: I'm happy earning minimum wage. I'm not happy getting 4 hours of sleep four days in a row and having to explain to coworkers that no, I'm not hungover on a Thursday morning. Nor have I just done a walk of shame from a random's dorm room. I'm simply fucking tired and depressed as shit because I have two 1500 word essays due for privacy and negligence law, an exam on statutory interpretation and another exam on a shitload of philosophical international relations theory. Oh, and sidenote: I've missed out on 6 weeks worth of lectures and readings for all of my subjects. And I have work every single day that isn't an exam day.
So I finally dropped out of uni today. It was almost like I woke up a couple of days ago and simply had an epiphany: 'I can't do this'. I'm an all or nothing type of person. Black or white. Not grey areas. I'm the type who either gets a high distinction or fails (and I always unreasonably manage to convince myself that anything other than a HD is me not reaching my full potential because I was procrastinating). And I can never survive at uni with that sort of personality/mindset.
Music degree it is. It's the only subject I've ever been willing to put in hours and hours and hours for. It's the only subject I know I can survive at.
I will try to stay in Canberra until December because I can't face my mum's disdain, and it's nice not to know anyone really here. It's also nice to be working two jobs and earning money. If I can find a piano teacher and most importantly, a piano to practise on at odd hours throughout the night, that is. Hopefully ANU will be the solution, even if I have to pay. Otherwise if I can't find a piano, I'm going to have to move back to Sydney.
I get the feeling that AMusA graduates have something that kind of stays with them for life. Just the sheer effort involved in getting that diploma, regardless of your age. There's always going to be a lingering sort of aching feeling of loss when piano isn't a part of my life. What it took to get that diploma when I was 16 kind of proves the dedication. I don't know what else would signify the fact that a music degree is the right option for me. The other night I listened to old recordings of beautiful compositions by incredible composers and for the first time I kind of realised, with awe, that it was ME playing in those recordings. And I was actually good. I've never before allowed myself to come to that conclusion. When you practise the same piece over and over again for hours and hours over a couple (or even more) years, you forget to credit yourself with the good things and start becoming overly perfectionist nit picky. And I want, so so badly, to be able to have that sheer satisfaction of watching my fingers fly across the keyboard playing a Liszt etude, that unique feeling of playing a delicate passage in a Chopin nocturne, or experiencing that amazing togetherness when playing chamber music with insanely good, professional musicians.
My options, in order of preference:
1. BMus in piano performance at Sydney Conservatorium. Holy grail of Australian music degrees. Insanely hard to get into. But if I do, I swear I will practise 10 hours a day.
2. BMus at Melbourne Conservatorium
3. B Music studies at Syd con
4. BMus at UNSW
5. BMus at Elder Conservatorium Adelaide
6. BMus at ANU
Life is certainly interesting. Funny how perspectives can change so suddenly.
