Everything will be fine

Hopefully, that is. The money problem is solved. The floorboard problem isn't, but I've figured there's no way for the landlord to charge me for the damage if they decided it was my fault. First of all there never was a security deposit I had to pay, so I won't automatically be losing any money. If AirBnb decides in favour of the landlord (this in itself seems a slim possibility) and tries to deduct money from the card I used to make the booking, they would surely tell me first. I would then go to a German ATM and just get all my money out of my prepaid travel money card. There is no luggage issue anymore, the weight and everything seems to be ok. Not even the visa issue seems much of a problem. If they happened to bring it up when I leave Berlin/enter Amsterdam, I don't mind being stuck in London for 5 days. I can rent a cheap hostel there that essentially costs the same as what it would have been in the first place if I were allowed into Amsterdam.

I unfortunately will probably get next to no money to spend in the US, and let's face it the shopping is the best thing about the US. But whatever, I heard Sephora's opening in Australia this December anyway, and I can buy American clothes online, don't have to do it in New York. No doubt if I returned to Sydney and got back in touch with Ci, she would drag me to Sephora anyway back at home. 4 days left.

Gosh, when I started my countdown app on my iPhone there were like 108 or so days left. This is where I should say time flies, but it doesn't. Not really. I don't know, the past 9 months have dragged on but at the same time it's all felt like a blur. What I can't believe though is that it's been almost a year since I've graduated high school. Crazy.

My mum's been going on about my grandparents on my father's side. Possibility that I might inherit their Shanghai apartment now that I'm 18. I don't know. Everything with my family is like a freaking strategy game. After 6 years had gone by without so much as a phone call or birthday card from my father's parents, they reappeared in my life when I was 10. The only way my mum let them see me was their promise that in 8 years, when I turned 18, I would get an inheritance from them. I still remember them explaining that their Shanghai apartment would be passed onto me, and my half-sisters would get their Sydney property.

So during the eight years that passed, my mum and I visited my father's parents several times a year. No way would my mum have done that if there had been no inheritance. Sounds harsh I know, but that's how my family works. Well I know that my father's parents don't give a shit about me anyway, otherwise they wouldn't have ignored me until I was 10. The only reason they promised me that apartment back then was so that they could bribe me into supporting them when they're older. Not that they're not already old. But I guess it's just the whole Chinese confucian thing about how the young are meant to look after the old. And every Chinese elderly person's nightmare is to become old, get sick, etc without family to support them. They certainly aren't on good terms with my father after all. My aunt passed away a long time ago and their other two grandchildren, my half-sisters, are only 4 and 9. Not old enough to care or provide support. By the time they're 18 and get their inheritance, my grandparents probably won't be alive anyway. Thank God I don't have a half-brother. My grandparents are still stuck in that 18th century 'firstborn son' mindset. Now my mum's putting the pressure on them to be true to their word, because I'm finally 18. I don't know though. I shouldn't get my hopes up too much, because they haven't mentioned the apartment since I was 10 and back then my second half-sister wasn't born. So who knows, I may not get anything. Needless to say, my mum's telling me that if I don't get an inheritance from them when I go back to Sydney, then that's the last time I should see them. If I don't get anything, I'm meant to ignore them forever. Not answer calls, never visit them even when they're sick, etc. I wouldn't do that though. I'd feel bad, because despite my father never having contributed a cent to my upbringing, my grandparents at least paid for some of my school fees for a couple of years in high school, and that's something I won't forget. My mum's not the only one who's screwed up though. My grandparents are probably even more screwed up anyway. For the past 8 years I've felt like I'm nothing more than an object to them, almost. That's why I have to tell them I'm studying law. Anything that isn't law or medicine, and I probably wouldn't get anything from them at all. Obviously because they want me to be rich so I can support them when they're older. And if there's one thing both sides of my family have in common, it's pride. Everything has to be about prestige and not losing face. They don't genuinely care about me. They want me to be successful so they can watch one grandchild at least achieve something in life. Like a trophy. They're just exchanging an apartment for that essential Confucian ideal, and ideal that only people as traditionally Chinese as them would strive for. A bribe, so that they'll have someone who will 'care' for them when they're older. Each time I visit them I feel like I'm entering the principal's office or something. They always inspect me and interrogate me. About my grades, about my future, about my looks. They're cold, cold people. Colder than my mum, and that's saying something.

Well, I sure would appreciate it if I did inherit that Shanghai apartment. Then I'd totally sell it and get a mortgage for an apartment in Canberra. Or maybe not, I could also save the money and rent in Canberra instead. Just so that I get rent allowance, youth assistance and the relocation grant from the government.

Let's just say things would DEFINITELY look up if everything falls into place when I return to Sydney.

Harry Potter Studios, UK

Random tower. I think this might be in Copenhagen.

A castle bedroom. Loire Valley, France.

Countdown

To be honest, I'm not even that excited about the upcoming trip. My anxiousness definitely outweighs my excitement. Until I've solved the money problem, and the luggage problem, and the visa problem, and the floorboards problem, I can hardly let myself breath a sigh of relief.

Travelling on a shoestring is no fun. I'm just not the type that can enjoy myself while I'm broke, and I'm kind of regretting this trip before it's even started. I won't be able to relax until we get through into Amsterdam.

I feel like my lifestyle lately has been so unhealthy. Sometimes I don't go outside for days at a time which is so bad and defeats the whole purpose of renting an expensive place just because it's in Paris. Should have stuck with a nicer, larger, cheaper place in Berlin that doesn't have a clogged shower. Eurgh.

Palais Garnier, home to the Paris Opera Ballet

Versailles palace

Château de Chambord, Loire Valley

18 days left

As soon as I get back to Sydney, I'm working my butt off. Hopefully over Christmas I can get a job with okay pay. I would totally work on Christmas day, New Year's, e.g. just to get the double pay.

Just applied again on UAC. It sucks that they didn't keep my application from last year so I had to do it all over again. And pay like $62 because apparently just because I completed year 12 last year they have the right to charge me double. I've heard it's not too difficult to get equity scholarships at ANU if you are an interstate student, to help with moving costs. What annoys me is that the university offers don't get released until like 25 January or something and university starts on 17 February at ANU, so that gives me less than a month to find accommodation in Canberra. Unless something ridiculous happens, I should get into combined law according to this year's ATAR requirement. So something ridiculous better not happen, because I would hate to find accommodation, put down a deposit and then not be able to go to ANU after all. If I end up staying in Sydney, I will most likely to plain old International Studies at USyd. Either that or Psychology at UNSW. Or Bachelor of Arts in Languages at USyd. But I'm not worrying about that too much, because I SHOULD be able to go to ANU. Damn it if I hadn't done last minute cramming in the car and actually STUDIED for the HSC maybe I would've gotten those extra 2 ATAR points to do law at UNSW. Although if I went down that trail of thought I'd never stop. There are many things I regret about last year.

Been spending like crazy in Paris. I really need to stop.

Christmas street lights, Champs-Elysées, Paris

Crappy close-up of the Mona Lisa, Paris

L'Arc de Triomphe, Paris

Trying to relax

Last three weeks in Europe. Living alone has given me the chance to think and calm down a bit. I think I'm in a much better place now in my mind. My mental health has improved for sure. I've gotten to know central Paris much better, and for the past week especially I feel like I've gotten my life back on track. I have a schedule I stick to, so I don't just spend every day watching Pretty Little Liars nonstop (because that is quite tempting some days). I walk around the city for at least a couple of hours during the day, occasionally visit the Louvre when it's free on Friday evenings, look around random little Parisian boutiques. I even study quite a bit during the day. French, German, Spanish (thank God for Duolingo, Rosetta Stone and my heavy collection of language textbooks). I read up on Economics, Politics, International Relations, Law, Philosophy so I can get an idea of what I will enjoy at Uni and what I won't. 

Yes, I do believe I'm finally getting my life back on track. I almost forget sometimes the extent of how emotionally unhealthy au pairing was for me. Now looking back, I think a lot of my actions revealed just how anxious and mentally stressed I was, even if back then I didn't fully recognise or acknowledge why I did certain things. I had such an unhealthy relationship with food, and I'm not scared to admit it to myself now. Sometimes I would use it as a coping mechanism, other times I would practically starve myself for several days straight. I was obsessing over food, and I used to be ashamed of admitting that to myself. It was the only control I had in the numerous unpredictable and powerless situations I was faced with. The more impossible the goals I set, the more everything spiralled out of control. It almost reminded me of the horrible year after my grandmother died, except worse because now I'm old enough to know what I'm doing and what's happening to me. And experience the terrifying, depressing consequences afterwards. I can't believe that I'm finally in a healthy enough place to acknowledge I had issues with food that almost became pretty serious when I was au pairing. Before I arrived in Europe, I didn't have issues with food that were overly messed up, compared to other people. I think it started with the fact that Pascale, my French host mum, always was stingy with food and I was constantly hungry. I'd go into Paris and buy my own food, but that spiralled out of control sometimes. The problem worsened so much when I was in Bonn and the parents were onto me constantly and I was always upset. The family ate a tonne of junk at home, and that Austria ski holiday where there was an incredible buffet for an entire week. I think I was definitely at my worst in Bonn, because I was under the most stress there. Then in Berlin I kept getting more anxious about the thought of au pairing until September, and there was an awful period towards the end where I yearned to always go to bed at night feeling totally empty. In Spain I was also constantly on edge, but I quickly gave up what I took up in Berlin and practically did the opposite, despite the fact that the Spanish family were actually quite healthy, yet not in an annoying way. When I did something I regretted, I hated the feeling of losing control and it was just a constant cycle for me. A cycle I've finally managed to break after stopping au pairing. I thought it would never stop. The one thing I'd have to take with me back to Sydney. Something that would rule over my life so that I'd never be happy. Even now I'm not 100% sure I'm ok. But I sure am in a heck of a better place now than I ever was in the past 8 months. I think acknowledging to myself that I had issues is the first step.

I still can't believe I spent almost 8 months au pairing, and for four different families in four different cities. 

Only now is the stress and anxiety starting to melt away a bit. I wonder what it'll be like when I get back to Sydney. I'm not sure I quite reached my goal for this 'gap year'. I don't know. At least I got to experience Europe. And at least I will know never ever to be an au pair or stay with a host family again. Or have any roommates. When I get back to Sydney there'll still be about 4 months until I will want to move to Canberra. So technically this gap year is not over yet. 

I'll just have to wait and see what happens. 

Eiffel Tower, taken by moi at night

View from the London Eye ferris wheel

Lucerne, Switzerland

Back where I started and all this began...in Paris

I've done it. Finally quit au pairing last Tuesday, and I'm now living in my own studio apartment right in front of Centre Georges Pompidou, in the heart of Paris, 4th Arrondissement. 17 minutes walk from the Louvre. Last week I spent several days in Barcelona before leaving Spain (I'd only been to Barcelona ONCE in the 3 weeks I had au paired in Spain). I basically left without telling the family. Well, I kind of did but considering I wasn't getting through to the host mum, who hadn't paid me for my week's worth of work but had the nerve to ask me to stay for a couple more days without pay, I figured I didn't give a shit anymore and simply left. I got the last laugh in the end.

I'm anxious because I think I may not be allowed back into the Schengen zone for my trip in September. So basically I may very well be stuck in London for like a week and C might have to do Paris, Spain, Netherlands, etc on her own because there's a high possibility I won't be allowed into Amsterdam or anywhere else in the Schengen area. Mainly because I've overstayed my legal visa/whatever it is the German authorities gave me. Temporary visa, I guess. At first I thought I get a new 90 days to stay in Europe because it's been over 6 months since I first came to Europe, but apparently getting a temporary visa cancels out the 90 day visa free period. It's all very confusing, but I guess it will just depend on luck for me. I'll need to be lucky that they don't notice my lack of valid visa when I leave Berlin. And I'll also need to be lucky again that they don't notice how long I overstayed my last temporary visa when I enter Amsterdam from Dublin.

Another thing I'm stressed about is my shower in my studio apartment. The drain is freaking clogged so basically I unintentionally, accidentally flooded the wooden flooring outside my tiny bathroom. The drain I can kind of deal with, the water still goes down albeit incredibly slowly (I'll just have to take very very quick, efficient showers and turn off the water when I'm soaping up my hair and stuff). Unfortunately the flooring is another matter. The water caused the wood to swell to incredible proportions and part of the floorboard have cracked and risen like 7cm or so off the foundations. It's very, very noticeable. I rented the apartment on Airbnb so I don't know if they'll take money off my card for the damage when they notice it. I'm not even sure if there will be someone at the apartment when I check out. I don't suppose there will be, because technically I could check out anytime, all I need to do is leave my keys in the apartment. And I'm checking out at like 6am anyway. No point in someone coming just to collect the keys from me at 6 in the morning. What I'm concerned about is when the landlord eventually notices the damage to the floorboards. There wasn't a security deposit I had to pay for the apartment, so I don't know if they'll ask me to pay for it. I guess I could just blame it on the apartment itself, and say I woke up one morning to damaged floorboards. Even if they don't buy that, they can't just accuse me of something. Plus, the shower thing is technically their fault anyway. They shouldn't be renting out an apartment unless it's in perfect order.

So yeah, still a bit stressed, even if it's relatively small things. Gosh all the stress I've experienced in the past 8 or so months must be causing me to feel stressed more easily than is normal or something

Hat exhibition in the Rundetaarn, Copenhagen

Flügel shot, Amsterdam canal cruise

Hans Christian Andersen (I think?) statue, Copenhagen