Yes, I do believe I'm finally getting my life back on track. I almost forget sometimes the extent of how emotionally unhealthy au pairing was for me. Now looking back, I think a lot of my actions revealed just how anxious and mentally stressed I was, even if back then I didn't fully recognise or acknowledge why I did certain things. I had such an unhealthy relationship with food, and I'm not scared to admit it to myself now. Sometimes I would use it as a coping mechanism, other times I would practically starve myself for several days straight. I was obsessing over food, and I used to be ashamed of admitting that to myself. It was the only control I had in the numerous unpredictable and powerless situations I was faced with. The more impossible the goals I set, the more everything spiralled out of control. It almost reminded me of the horrible year after my grandmother died, except worse because now I'm old enough to know what I'm doing and what's happening to me. And experience the terrifying, depressing consequences afterwards. I can't believe that I'm finally in a healthy enough place to acknowledge I had issues with food that almost became pretty serious when I was au pairing. Before I arrived in Europe, I didn't have issues with food that were overly messed up, compared to other people. I think it started with the fact that Pascale, my French host mum, always was stingy with food and I was constantly hungry. I'd go into Paris and buy my own food, but that spiralled out of control sometimes. The problem worsened so much when I was in Bonn and the parents were onto me constantly and I was always upset. The family ate a tonne of junk at home, and that Austria ski holiday where there was an incredible buffet for an entire week. I think I was definitely at my worst in Bonn, because I was under the most stress there. Then in Berlin I kept getting more anxious about the thought of au pairing until September, and there was an awful period towards the end where I yearned to always go to bed at night feeling totally empty. In Spain I was also constantly on edge, but I quickly gave up what I took up in Berlin and practically did the opposite, despite the fact that the Spanish family were actually quite healthy, yet not in an annoying way. When I did something I regretted, I hated the feeling of losing control and it was just a constant cycle for me. A cycle I've finally managed to break after stopping au pairing. I thought it would never stop. The one thing I'd have to take with me back to Sydney. Something that would rule over my life so that I'd never be happy. Even now I'm not 100% sure I'm ok. But I sure am in a heck of a better place now than I ever was in the past 8 months. I think acknowledging to myself that I had issues is the first step.
I still can't believe I spent almost 8 months au pairing, and for four different families in four different cities.
Only now is the stress and anxiety starting to melt away a bit. I wonder what it'll be like when I get back to Sydney. I'm not sure I quite reached my goal for this 'gap year'. I don't know. At least I got to experience Europe. And at least I will know never ever to be an au pair or stay with a host family again. Or have any roommates. When I get back to Sydney there'll still be about 4 months until I will want to move to Canberra. So technically this gap year is not over yet.
I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
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| Eiffel Tower, taken by moi at night |
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| View from the London Eye ferris wheel |
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| Lucerne, Switzerland |
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