Well, tonight's the eve of the first day of school. To me, it feels like it's come a bit too soon, yet at the same time slightly too late as well. My big 7-week trip is like a moderate-sized slice that has been removed from my mind and locked inside a safety deposit box or something. For some reason, it seems like an entire different life I lived altogether which is ridiculous considering it should only seem like a 7 week holiday. When I look back on it, I can't really register the girl that went on that trip as 'me', exactly. Almost as if the tiny details and feelings have been blurred and I can only remember a general outline of the trip. It's a strange feeling. It's like the person on that trip wasn't me, but rather I heard the details about it from someone else that went on it, yet at the same time I can conjure up many more details about that trip than I ought to. I don't know, the way I feel about it confuses me, even.
Anyhow, as I said, tomorrow is the big day. I admit, there's always been an underlying sense of uncertainty in the past when I think about the first day of school in 2012. I've never much cared to actually think it through, but I suppose there has been an obvious question that is always threatening to finally emerge and absorb my mind now that I've had 6 months to get used to the idea of changing schools and the feeling of excitement has dulled a bit. Have I made the right decision? I guess I won't really know for sure until the end of this year. I think that will be the only time when I will finally feel either completely secure at school or completely depressed. Part of me definitely wishes I was there yesterday with you guys instead of minding the shop alone when my mum went to get stock. I can just imagine what would have happened if I were still at that school. Contemplating over whether I got good teachers and complaining if I got bad ones, hearing people mention the new girls and thinking, 'I'm so glad I know my place in this school'. Sitting in the garden together and actually knowing for sure that I'll have friends in every class. Whereas at a new school, I won't know whether I got a good or bad teacher just by looking at my timetable. I'll have to sit with randoms in class and I'll be the new girl that people are feeling sorry for.
I know I've definitely had issues with my old school (it's strange to think of it as that already). I had real major issues, actually: school fees, business manager, teachers, director of studies, etc. In the end, I could probably write like a 3000 word report (and a very convincing one at that) on all the reasons that I needed to change schools. There are almost too many for me to remember. I only have one regret: familiarity that I have left behind. Familiarity is a wonderful thing in whichever form it takes, whether it's friends or surroundings or even bitchy teachers, and when the familiar things in my life are gone (let's all admit it: school is pretty much our whole life at this point) it definitely makes me incredibly uneasy. It's definitely too late for all that now though. All the good things come with sacrifices and I guess there's no point mulling over my decisions now.
I don't usually believe in fate. But I kind of believe it in regards to the schools I've been to. Everything I've done at each school, a lot of which seems to be based on luck, kind of determines the next school. So many things have determined my school for this year that seem to me like they've just been pure luck: applying for the scholarship because there was no application fee and nothing to lose, managing to convince my mum to drive all the way to the school and show up for the interview, writing the correct type of thing in my application, not screwing up my interview, even getting a full discount off tuition instead of half because my mum was like, 'I'm definitely not paying even half tuition for you to go there'. I mean, the person I most connect with fate is my grandma (who passed away when I was 11). I lived at her house instead of at my mum's during most of my primary school years so we were pretty close. She was a superstitious believer in fate and that type of stuff, and I thought it was freaky that the 4th anniversary of her death, the exact date that she died, was the same date that was on my acceptance letter (the school made the decision to accept me on that day). I mean, it was just plain unreal and too much of a coincidence that it happened on the anniversary of my grandma's death. Of course, I was ecstatic when I received the letter a day later. I literally almost cried, because for some reason back then I was desperate to change schools.
I should be somewhat less apprehensive about settling in now. I've done it in Kindergarten, twice in year 7 and now one more time will come tomorrow. I actually remember (although foggily) by first day of school way back in primary school. I had Mcdonald's for lunch as a rare treat (for some reason back then my mum was wayyyy more against Mcdonald's than she is now. I had a happy meal like every three months or something). I went to Eastgardens before school started because Kindergarteners started later during the day on the first day of school or something. I even remember waiting next to my mum while she went to an ATM at eastgardens, and asking her whether I really was going to go to school that day and not really believing it. I was always like that. I never believed in things when I was a kid when they were actually realistic beliefs. Whereas fantasy-like beliefs I completely believed in. I was that annoying kid in year one that pretended she knew all about the tooth fairy and could describe her in great detail to her fellow classmates. I remember going to the harbour with my mum one time and I was like, 'how are we going to get across the water' and my mum was like 'by ferry' but because my mum has an accent I thought she said 'by fairy' and I really did believe her (for some reason I spoke English with my mum when I was little. It started after kindergarten when my teacher said I needed to repeat kindergarten because my English wasn't good enough. Well my mum freaked and it was English at home until mine surpassed hers). And I was bitterly disappointed when no fairy with sparkling wings ever showed up. My last memory of my first day of kindergarten: we were making paper lanterns in class and I accidentally cut mine in the wrong shape with my safety scissors. I was absolutely terrified of the teacher and was too scared to tell her. I was literally that scared, I thought she would scream at me in front of everyone for accidentally cutting a piece of paper in the wrong spot.
The morning of my first day of year 7 was pretty bad, too. Of course, I was absolutely freaked out about it. I remember the long drive to the school and trying to find a song on my iPod that could calm me down. My first day musn't have been too bad though past the car ride, because after that I don't remember much.
Then comes my first day at, well, I guess you guys know which school. Actually, at that point I really really hated Rose Bay so I was feeling pretty good about my first day of school. Plus, I may have been a loner up until the middle of recess but it wasn't too bad. I actually remember most of my first day. And how a lot of people were obsessed with asking questions about my old school, which definitely got a bit annoying. Well, a science teacher (my yr 10 science teacher actually) noticed that I looked lost or something and helped me with my timetable, and then she talked to me at recess when I was reading a book so I would look less like the new girl wandering around. And I remember Cynthia walking up to me and inviting me to sit with her even though she looked kind of awkward about it (haha) and that group actually consisted of Claudine, Angela, Angela's sister, Laura and I think Stephanie too. Sharna didn't come to the school until one day after me so I got the top locker :) I actually remember that really clearly. So there you have it. Back then it was my first day at a new school, and now that school has become my old school.
I kept a regular diary until New Year's Eve 2010 (when my third diary ran out of pages haha, I haven't really gotten round to doing it again since then. I'm just too busy to be interested anymore) and did that from when my grandma was sick in the middle of 2007 when I was in year six (that first entry was about how annoying I found my year six teacher) to the end of year nine (new year's eve 2010, last entry was looking back on the year). I kind of want to start it up again because I like to read my old entries (I only did one about every 2 weeks). For some reason, it's the only way I can actually really feel the emotions I felt when I was writing the entry during whichever point in my life. A lot of it has been about school, and quite a bit is dedicated to my struggles with piano and all the questioning I used to do about it and how much I hated it. I reckon writing in a diary always makes me realise something in the end, something I would have missed if I'd merely just sifted through my thoughts. And I've read my entries for the first days of school in year 7. Year 7 school number 1 was a negative entry. It went something along the lines of, '...neverending series of assignments and a tonne of homework'. But year 7 school number 2 caused a positive entry. I was actually really happy after a week at my new school. I hope I can experience that again.
And so tomorrow begins my first day at a new school once more.
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