Resurrection

I've decided to resurrect this blog. I mean, I do keep a private journal but sometimes for those less private things, a blog is much more appealing. I was reading through all my old posts and it was actually really cool getting to reminisce about everything and all of my travels. So I am continuing this blog, 20 months later.

It's weird to read the last couple of posts from my first week in year 11. How things have changed...I'm now fully graduated and off into the real world.

And now I'm procrastinating as usual, even at 12:50am. Who know Gloria Jeans' iced mochas were so effective at keeping me awake...works even better than the 36 mg Concerta. Yesterday I was doing this weird thing where I took the 27mg, waited 8 hours then did the 36, but I felt a bit off when I did that. Awake but tired, if that makes sense.

Anyhow, sometimes I hate myself because I keep procrastinating. That sounds ridiculous I know, but now I seriously think there's something messed up with me in regards to this procrastination. It simply cannot be normal. I have only finished half of my freaking belonging notes, for god's sake! I didn't actually study for trials, surprise surprise, so now I have all my work cut out for me 2 weeks before the HSC. It's disgusting. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have not done anything else.

I applied for a few scholarships at UNSW today. I'm good at exaggerating things and making people believe my bullshit. Quite good at face to face lying to, actually. Anyway, that was a waste of time because I doubt I would get any. My grades were crap, who the heck gets below in Advanced when they do Extension? How embarrassing. Only thing I had going for me was bullshitting about my 'passion for piano' and also bullshitting about 'financial circumstances', 'family illness' and I even shoved in my mum getting married the week of my trials. Plus, my year 11 grades and heck even grades before year 11 were quite good compared to my year 12 grades (trust me to screw up when it really matters). I could ask them to compare my prelim rankings to my HSC ones and see how my 'circumstances' affected me, that might do the trick. After all, these aren't big scholarships. They're only worth like $3000 in total on average. They pay you that much and that's it, no more money. They only give out like 1 per sponsor though, sometimes up to 3, so it's a bit harder to get I guess. Now I just feel greedy. There are people who need the money more than me probably, but hey it's still money. I would move out if I could with that money, and if my bullshitting skills pay off, so be it.

I've realised I'm the most inconsistent person ever. Nothing is ever consistent with me. I go through phases like the drop of a hat, I am so indecisive and change my mind about everything. That too is ridiculous. My rankings can go from 8th to 34th in less than three assessments, if I get too bored with the topic. The thing is, I know I could do it if I tried. I am capable. I just don't work hard enough, and that's even worse, when you know there's hope for you if only you'd just WORK. I mean, there are people in my year who can't construct sentences together properly. But there was actually hope for me before I had to stuff things up.

I've found a job au pairing in France. I know most people would be like: 'You as an au pair? But you don't even like kids'. And that's true, I loathe most types of kids. It takes a really special kid for me to like it. And I've dealt with quite a few...let's see, I've taught:

-J, my first student, the intelligent spoilt brat who turned out to be a thief. I fired her when she was 8.

-C, 6 years old and confirmed dyslexic with parents. Very, very slow boy but wonderful parents who gave me money bonus when their family had to leave for Vietnam. Taught him for about a year and he was always cheerful, left still only knowing how to play Mary had a little lamb, the poor thing.

-W, my 3rd kid. 9 years old I think. Still with me know, have taught him for the past 3 years. Dumbest kid I have ever interacted with, batshit crazy mother who physically abuses him if he doesn't practise (apparently). Strongly feel he is dyslexic. He is incredibly frustrating (NO, THAT IS NOT YOUR LEFT HAND). But I think I'm mean/harsh on him all the time, and I feel bad. Don't want to be like my old piano teacher. But he is so easy to get frustrated with and he is generally obedient. So sometimes I take it out on him a bit when his dumbness shows through too much.

-E and T, the two monsters from hell. Legitimately. T I suspect was ADHD (super hyperactive type), would spit and run around in nothing but underpants and slap me and freak after 15 minutes on the piano. 7 years old. E was 11, quite intelligent but disobedient and he too whined after 15 minutes. Somehow stopped teaching them after I got back from China in year 10.

-Can't remember his name, but this boy was 8 I think. Average intelligence, lazy, not bad at piano. Annoying mother. His sister I taught English to a few times, 12 years old, okay personality. They fired me (it's hard to try with lazy kids), and then paid me $70 to write an essay for an application so their daughter could try switching to a selective school.

-C and his little brother (can't remember name). Absolutely hopeless at piano, both of them. Never practised, lenient but nice mother and grandmother. Their mother paid me $60 to do half an hour of torturous piano (you try teaching a kid that never practises) with each of them and also half an hour of reading each. Literally reading. C was 12, and we took 2 months or something just listening to him reading the hunger games. I did not have to do a thing. Did he really hate reading enough for his mum to pay $30 for a person to sit there and supervise? He was constantly bored but polite enough not to show it too much. His little brother was definitely dyslexic. Not bad at piano though, sometimes practised but his level of reading was so bad it was ridiculous. I kept cancelling lessons when I had too many assessments, then one holidays they 'went to Japan', would text when they came back and well I never heard back from them...

-I've done 2 trial lessons with kids whose parents outright rejected me straightaway (usually because they couldn't bear the thought of a high school kid teaching. Well, you get what you pay for. I don't just charge $40 an hour because I'm feeling charitable).

-M, a 7 y o girl I'm currently teaching. Perfectionist, OCD, very...pedantic shall we say. Polite though, and semi-studious. Practises on occasion, slightly above average intelligence. Overall very comfortable to teach. Her mum once took me out for a $70 buffet lunch at a fancy hotel to discuss her daughter's 'prospects'. He mum is a tiny bit weird but not too bad when you get to know her.

-Pakistani girl with unusual name that I can't remember. Came for 10 lessons max I think, she wanted an hour of just tutoring. Then got too lazy to come so she would skip lessons without texting me to let me know, which was quite impolite and frustrating. She was talkative and in year 8, which was nice because she could chat for ages. Hey, that's her money wasted not mine.

-My two Pakistani neighbours, who used to come every week for about 2 months but now only come when they need me to 'check over' their assessments. Feel bad for them because I know their parents can't afford it, so I give them a small discount. Nice kids, really obedient. They're in year 9 and 6, both are intelligent. Can never remember their names.

-2 new kids (can't remember names), who are currently holidaying in Cambodia and Thailand. I can sniff a crazy mother from a mile away, and believe me their mother is crazy. Their playing sucks. The 12 year old girl can't even play the right notes after a few months of playing her pieces. So obviously she is very lazy, but a nice polite girl nonetheless. The boy is ok but he plays crazy fast. He is 8 I think? And I already know he is going to test me. I can tell he is intelligent, he kept showing passive-aggressive signs of defiance like purposefully pressing down the wrong pedal when I showed him something on the piano, then pretending nothing was wrong. Note to self: be more strict with him before he decides to test me more.

-T in the city. Taught him for quite awhile (at least 2 and a half years). Tutored him in writing for awhile, got into a fully selective school which I was proud of him for. Quite obedient, semi strict typical Asian parents, horrid piano that never got tuned. Never practised, was terrible at piano (partially my fault because he started with me when I was 14, mostly his fault because he was not practising). Before trials I cancelled about 3 lessons to study. He then mysteriously 'broke his arm' and promised it would heal after 6 weeks. Haven't heard from him since. Ahh, all the creative ways to fire people.

I actually teach 4 half-asian kids, which is interesting because I didn't realise Eurasian kids were that common. Only ever taught 1 white kid, the rest were all asian.

But the thing is, even in life, I'm the biggest bullshitter there is. How many kids have I taught in my short lifetime already? Let's see, there's...16 already. All but 2 of them I had taught for a regular basis for long periods of time. If they lasted 1st lesson with me they would then go on to last about 6 months at the very least. Heck, some of them did about a year, 2 years, some up to almost 4 years.

So do I loathe my job? Yes, I do. It would be tough work if I was full on taking it seriously. Piano exams are difficult, yes even little 1st grade ones. Not only on the student, but on the teacher as well.

It's like a scratchie.

-Category 1: 15% of the time I am estimating, I'd get a kid from hell. Either passive aggressive freakchild or violent devilchild. I reckon that number would go up way more if I didn't just teach mostly Asians whose parents hang around at home keeping a careful ear out during lessons.

-Category 2: 50% of the time, the kid would be just narrowly tolerable. They won't practise (you can tell immediately), but they won't do the spitting/screaming/tantruming either, and are generally obedient (but fuming inside, may give signs of impatience like barely audible frustrated sighing). These are the second-to-worst type to teach, because not practising when you are not above-average intelligence makes for very boring, frustrating, repetitively pointless lessons. When the teacher takes on more the role of 'practise supervisor/overseer' than 'educator' or 'provider of new knowledge'.

-Category 3: 15% of the time, you get the kids who are 'good' at piano only because they are intelligent, and intelligence can only help you in music for so long. These are the kids that excel for the first 6 months, maybe even last a year if lucky, then comes the burn out. I'd say this category is most likely to quit. You can tell they haven't practised, but because they are smart, they can still get the notes relatively correct. Thus, lessons are less boring. But with these more intelligent kids, you tend to feel like you have less authority over them, which can be annoying. Sometimes you can be too nice to them and feel awkward about having them repeat that bar X amount of times, because a lot of the time these kids know they are smart and are more emotionally intelligent (so are more like teenagers than young kids). They would have heard people tell them they're intelligent constantly throughout their lives, and they aren't used to trying hard at school to get the grades (this is primary school we're talking about), so they simply aren't used to having to work at something. Strangely enough, many of the smartest kids I know have absolutely no self-discipline.

-Category 4: 15% of the time, you get the type of kid who is incredibly stupid (or perhaps just dyslexic), but they're like sheep. They'll do anything without thinking twice about it. No 'that's boring, I don't wannnaaaa do that', or 'but I played that already!'. If I say play that 10 times, they play it 10 times. The thing with these kids is that because they are so brainless, they actually do practise when you tell them to. But they are too dumb to practise productively or retain information. Again, these just may actually be dyslexic, but more often than not they are genuinely unintelligent. Although I'm surprised at the number of kids I've encountered that can't read properly yet (but I guess this doesn't necessarily equal dyslexia). They may have cray cray parents who may force them to practise and from an early age they learn to be obedient. I am actually really interested in these kids, because of the connection between brain development and instrument playing (scientifically proven, as well as explained to me by my music ext teacher who did her first doctorate on music psychology on a scholarship at Cambridge, and is now onto her 2nd). Apparently musicians actually do have an altered brain structure. But I used to just wonder, is it only because it takes a certain personality type (persistence) to learn? Or because the average/below average intelligence kids simply give up because they are too dumb, or no teacher can get through to them? Or maybe these kids are still playing, but they never get noticed because their instrumental skills just aren't on par with others their age, as it takes them way longer to learn?

-Category 5: And...5% of the time, you get that kid who has a natural affinity for music, or rather self-discipline and maturity perhaps. More the latter, as I have yet to find a kid who is 'musically talented', if such a thing from birth even exists. They appreciate it, they are mature enough to understand their parents are spending money for their benefit. They understand that musical sophistication and understanding and intelligence are a privilege to have, but to have that privilege you need to work your butt off. Maybe these kids even inherently get a gut feeling that music does develop the brain invaluably (me here would be 10 IQ points dumber I guarantee you if I wasn't a pianist). Sure, these kids may have their off weeks when they don't practise or go through a phase, but they are either intelligent enough to cover up their lack of practice, or they eventually return to self-discipline. I admire these kids. I sure know I wasn't one of them. I fell into more the 'gets forced to practise' category, which is one we won't even go into as it doesn't count. Although for a few years of my life I did quite enjoy piano. Maybe from 4-7, and then when I was 11 I loved it. Anyway, I think I may only be teaching 1, who may only JUST fit this category 5 criteria, at the moment currently. These types of kids are a rare find indeed, but you can tell even from a young age. The good thing is, the older the kid gets the more obvious it becomes that this kid is not just simply another category 3 kid.

The thing I've realised is that kids rarely make it. Generally, I'd estimate 65% quit before starting grades. Of the remaining 35%: 25% may make it to grade 6 if even that, 10% go beyond that. By then, the realm of grade 8 would be near, and less people tend to quit. By the time you make it past grade 8, or maybe even 6, I reckon that's the point when piano and classical music and the knowledge sticks with you for life, even when you don't realise how much it becomes a part of you and how much more you know, even if you still hate the instrument to death because of the monotony that practising piano has become. I realised this when we were doing year 12 references, and I had to bring in my diploma for proof. My homeroom teacher (who is extremely nice, if not a bit...ignorant and seemingly uneducated) took one look at it, and asks me 'what is a piano fort?' Literally. Actually says 'piano fort'. She did not even know how to pronounce 'pianoforte', let alone know how a 'pianoforte' could possibly equate to 'piano'. To me that just seems incomprehensible that a grown woman of 2 kids would not know this, but I guess there are things I take for granted sometimes and it does take a wake-up call to be grateful for all the knowledge. The longer you bear with it obviously, the more you reap the awards and come to acknowledge what you've gained over the years.

The good thing about Asian parents is they make their kids persist, even the lenient ones, for at least like 6 months. Whereas I reckon if I was teaching an Australian kid, and they became undoubtedly bored, I would be fired within 3 lessons.

Anyway, this has become a giant coffee insomnia induced rant. I never even got to the point of my post, the au pairing bit. I think I'll just keep writing, because I seem to be on a weird journal writing streak. Which is kind of embarrassing and sad.

Okay, back to my original point which was: I don't like kids and I loathe my job and I am becoming an au pair. Thing is, before you ask 'why', think of it this way: I don't like kids, yet I put up with teaching. Think that babysitting is way harder than having a kid for an hour? Think again. Especially not the category 1 kid, which is even worse than babysitting. Because when you're babysitting, you'd just let him cool down from a tantrum but still get paid for that. Not when you've got a piano exam deadline and the parents are forking out for a FULL and exact 1 hour lesson, which does not include calmly placating a bratty 7 year old. Therefore, you put up with it and ignore it and keep demonstrating shit on the piano for him even when he is on the verge of shoving you, because you need to keep the illusion of 'teaching' him. So I think teaching and babysitting are on par in difficulty, at the very least. There is a reason why I get paid more than a babysitter (although I have, or rather my mum has, invested a crapload into my piano lessons). You come to recognise the signs of trouble from kids too, and their reactions and their subtle signs of boredom or frustration. You learn when and when not to push at their limits. You can tell when they're tired, or having a good/bad day.

Thing again is that I am a good bullshitter, capable of bullshitting my life away. And when I'm teaching, that's exactly what I do. So I don't see how bullshitting to myself that I like babysitting kids would be any different. I'm not an idiot that would sulk in front of my host parents about a kid throwing a tantrum. Sure, I may dislike most types of kids, but I put up with it professionally (and as a teacher unprofessionalism would get you fired in an instant, even at the rate I'm charging). So I think I'd do just fine. I'm quite patient, and even when frustrated I do not let this show at all. There's a reason why my kids all get frustrated before I do, and why my piano teacher always got frustrated before I did. I am positive I can handle it. The kids I am not worried about, unless they started physically attacking me which would obviously be not on (semi scared that they will be like those types of brats).

But it's a 10 year old boy, 6 year old girl and little baby. Baby won't be issue, mum is on maternity leave (which is annoying no one wants their employer hanging over them all day long). 10 year old boy and 6 year old I am hoping get along well. I think it helps that they're different genders.

So I've booked the ticket to Paris (they live in Chelles), and after reading au pair horror stories I am semi paranoid. I have only skyped with family once, they seem ok. But I am definitely more passive-aggressive than directly confrontational, so if they did anything inappropriate, I would be planning what to do and I would have a solution or backup host family in an instant, as under the Schengen visa I can go to most of Europe.

I need to sleep now, it's about 2:30am. But I will try as hard as I can tomorrow to finish English. Maybe if I stress less, let it go, my brain will put off the procrastination and get to work. I'll go back to that Baroque music list my ext teacher sent me that she claims is scientifically proven to induce alpha waves for studying and calming me down.