Lameness of life

Well, my mum’s just gone back into the hospital again a couple of days ago, I think. Don’t know how long this time, I am predicting around a week. They say something good comes out of every situation, but the only good thing that comes out of this situation is the fact that I get to live alone in peace and her husband will be out of the scenario.

I am not looking forward to doing laundry and dishes and grocery shopping over the next few days (might just buy a pile of frozen meals to feed myself). Life sucks. I don’t need this during my HSC. I don’t need the 3 hour total bus/train journey to school and back, either. Which is why I was thinking I might move into a hotel at the city, closer to the train station. A 5 star hotel may be just the right study environment for me. Heck, even food would be convenient, and laundry too. But obviously, who am I kidding? No 5 star hotel for me. It was too sudden this time. If they gave her some warning beforehand I may have reminded my mum about it. But no, one second she's at the hospital and the next thing she tells me on the phone is that she needs another operation and is staying there.

I'm such a total sad failure. I haven't studied for history yet and it is in 3 days time, with Maths the day after history. I have music tutoring tomorrow at 10am and it will take me 2 hours to get there by bus and train. I will phone my tutor tomorrow morning and just cancel. I don't give a shit anymore. She's kind of annoying anyway. She is so busy as the educational director of a national music company that she always 'forgets' to let me know when she isn't at home or too busy to give me a lesson, and then I show up on her doorstep after an hour of travelling and either she isn't there or she'll be like, 'Sorry just got off the flight from Perth'. I'm still uncomfortable around her, because she is a musical genius and I can't help but accidentally make myself look stupid in front of her. So yeah, I'm not going tomorrow. 

I've already got 3 bags of trash on the kitchen floor and the house is a mess, I can barely get to my wardrobe without tripping over. I feel really weird. Technically I'm meant to be feeling depressed at the moment but because I took the concerta, I feel just numb-ish and weird. 

Life is pretty miserable. I just feel kind of lost. It sounds ridiculous and it is ridiculous. The HSC isn't the be all end all, that's what they all say. But to me it kind of is. And now that I've given up I have just totally lost it. It scares me that I don't care about it in a way that I used to. I just keep thinking about my gap year and escaping everything and then I'll be thinking normally again by the time I get back to Sydney in 2015. I would leave forever if I could. There's nothing going for me here and I can't stand the fact that I will see people I know for the rest of my life, if that makes sense. I want to start new. Now I think about it, I would so actually move to the UK. It sounds pretty cool and I so wish I could study in London. Sydney annoys the hell out of me with how expensive it is, and I hate how uncultured it is, too. Places like London, good teachers I have noticed charge like $50 for an hour of private music tuition and in Sydney freaking primary school music tutors charge $75. 

I'm scared my mum won't let me take a gap year. Because, honest to God I will do something if she doesn't. I have to tell myself that this is my absolute last chance. Even though I am feeling totally out of it, I will try and pull myself through. I'll do what I have always been supposed to do. I'll study history, do my 'best'. How many times have I told myself that? I don't believe it anymore. I never grew up in the right sort of environment to succeed, anyway. Just like my family is screwed up, I'll eventually turn out screwed up too. I sometimes think it isn't fair that I literally have the opposite of a normal 'HSC lifestyle', it isn't fair that I have to fucking spend 3 hours on transport getting to and from school. It isn't fair that I never had a normal family, the classic supportive family with 2 competent parents and siblings and pets and family dinners and chauffeur parents. Maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up now if my parents actually sat down to think before getting married. The type of parents who cared, asked how my day went, had normal conversations with me, actually knew I hadn't done science since year 10, actually read my report, could show up to my graduation and be normal, went on family holidays, had proper jobs, could string together a grammatically correct sentence in English, were capable of give me advice on what courses to choose for Uni and not just say 'quit asking me I don't know anything about Uni courses'.  Now I think about it, all the people I know who do well at school actually come home to nice study environments and normal family members. I walk home to a pile of laundry and no one and disgusting frozen meals and broken oven and no lighter to light said broken oven. And my mum won't get an effing dryer even though I offered to pay for it. I feel like one of those 30 something year old men who just live alone each day, talk to no one and don't know what to do with their lives. The scary thing is I'm freaking 17. The irresponsibility of incompetent parents whose brains are too freaking small to make logical decisions before having a child. Well maybe not their fault, after all I was meant to be an 'accident' and aborted anyway. That's weird now I think about it. If my grandmother had convinced my mother not to get an abortion maybe I would've floated around somewhere until I was born to normal capable parents. 

But then again, I sound like an idiot as usual because I could be a starving orphan in Africa. Stupid first world problems that shouldn't even be depressing, but they make me miserable anyway and that pisses the hell out of me. I shouldn't even be miserable. What's worse is that I actually miss school. I feel like that's what kept me sane. The same mundane everyday routine. Actually talking to normal people and interacting with people and pretending that there are no issues in life. 

I hate it when people make those speeches that talk about thanking parents for 'supporting' their kids during the HSC. Parents? What parents?