Funny, because she always signed her emails with 'Ms B :)' Only met 1 person who ever liked her, she graduated last year. Everyone else would go, 'Oh you poor thing I can't believe you have Ms B', or 'OMG Ms B is SO scary' or 'OMG everyone HATES her, don't worry'.
Let's start off this post, future J in 5 year's time, with a bit of a refresher with this email that K helped me write (salvaged from my school email sent box, before my school email account gets deleted). Obviously I'm not posting my teachers' names all over the internet (could come back to haunt me), so will put the first initial instead.
-K, who helped me write it, is my genius music tutor who I'd be lost without. Almost wrote half my composition for me practically. Was on full music scholarship to musically prestigious private school. Went to the best music conservatory in the nation. Did a couple more music degrees at fancy French conservatoires. Came 1st in the state for Music 2 and extension when she was only in year 11 doing HSC accelerated. Composition got performed at the Opera House. Trained to become a concert pianist. Returned to teach at old high school my principal came from, so they were good friends or something.
-Dr H was my school principal.
-Ms H was the director of studies (who had awkwardly enough also interviewed me for my scholarship, and had also caught me out on numerous occasions doing things I wasn't meant to be doing). She was really distant and appears strict on the surface at first so some people didn't like her, but in reality Ms H was actually nice and by the end of school I actually liked her. I just think she appears strict because as director of studies, you'd have to be pretty good at scaring people into handing their assessments in and stuff.
-Mr L was my music 2 teacher, and I didn't like him much (see previous blog post), although at the time of the email we were on good terms with each other. He was not a mean person at all, just frustrating and ignorant to deal with. One of those people who are doing their doctorate but still totally absent-minded. I could never figure out if he was a genius or a total idiot. Would never, ever give me feedback on my playing during lesson times (partly because he was a trumpet player). But as a teacher (who marked my recitals!) he was still supposed to. If he was 'capable' of marking my performance assessments, he too should have been capable of giving me feedback during lessons. I suspect he was too scared of Ms B to say anything about my playing, in the event that Ms B disagreed with whatever he said.
-Ms V, another music teacher. Never got taught by her, but she used to be the choir teacher so I knew her. Her VET girls always complained about how lazy she was and apparently she was not a good teacher, although some people really liked her. I liked her relatively well because she wasn't evil and made it obvious she didn't like Ms B (all the teachers hated her). She was also super nice to me before a performance. Right after Ms B put me down say an hour beforehand, Ms V would tell me I was 'sounding good' (she didn't know Ms B always said the opposite, because Ms B always did it with us alone in the room). Sometimes made me feel better, and she was an amazing accompanist who was way better than Ms B. I suspect Ms B was a bit jealous of her piano skills, as Ms B had done a music education degree at the con (which really isn't that much of a prestigious degree, and not hard to get into), whereas Ms V had done an actual performance degree at the con and was way younger.
-Ms F, who I really didn't know that well at all. Just another music teacher, but everyone seemed to like her and she was the only one of them who has been at this school awhile. Was not a pianist but was still allowed to mark me for my assessment, filling in for Ms B who was no longer allowed to mark us after a parent complained about her.
Dear Dr H,
I have been really worried about my Music 2/Extension courses and I have written an email to Ms. H but I am concerned that if I send it there will be negative ramifications for my interactions with the music department and thus my assessments. I don't know what to do. Can you have a look at the below email and please advise me with who I should talk to?
Regards,
J
Yr 12
Dear Ms. H,
I am writing to you because I need some clarification regarding my HSC Music 2/Extension Courses. There have been confusing and conflicting messages from different staff members of the music department regarding my assessment tasks.
I really want to use the assessments as learning tools so that I can improve upon my mistakes and work towards a better result for the final exam. I also get private tutoring for my music studies both in performance and musicology and both my teachers would find it very useful to have some feedback regarding these assessments.
The first issue is regarding my written exam that was held during the assessment block last term.
I have received my mark, however I have been told that it is music department policy not to return the actual paper so I have not even had the chance to go through the entire paper to see where I lost marks. I have also been told by the music staff that the Language department also does not return written papers, however I am confused as I have seen language students receive their written papers. This means that I do not know which areas I lost marks in and how I may further improve. It doesn't seem very logical that the music department would withhold an internal exam. My musicology tutor is the head of music curriculum at another school and she is also unable to understand the rationale behind this.
I am the only Music 2 student and despite my teacher’s best efforts, it is difficult enough as it is for me to improve or learn when I am in the same class with students who are all doing another course with different requirements. It is hard to gauge my progress without any comparable classmates, so I really rely on in depth feedback regarding my assessments.
The second issue is concerning my practical exam this term. I performed on the piano three pieces. My Music 2 teacher Mr. L and another teacher Ms F marked my practical exam, however I also received verbal feedback from the head of department, Ms B, who is my extension teacher.
The Head of department informed me that my first piece for extension was 'shocking' and that I 'didn't do well at all' overall. In particular she claimed that 'both markers commented on misuse of the soft pedal'. However none of the written feedback I received indicated that this was a problem and when I discussed this with one of my markers he didn't know what I was talking about. I performed this piece for my AMusA last year, which I successfully achieved, and my Amus examiners also commented on the written report that 'the pedalling was effective'. My classroom teacher stated that this might be an issue of different marking criteria between the Board of Studies and AMEB. However I have looked at the marking criteria and I do not see the rationale for a 'shocking' assessment vs. a successful completion of a diploma level AMEB exam. I have also discussed this with the head of department, and she suggested my diploma examiners may have been 'too busy writing comments' to notice problems with my playing, and also that regardless of the repertoire being played, I should never use the soft pedal for the entire duration of a piece. She has also made other comments that my musicology tutor (who trained as a concert pianist) disagrees with. This has caused a great deal of stressful confusion for me. My piano teacher is also at a loss as to why my extension teacher has made these comments particularly regarding the soft pedal use. She has had another student several years ago play the exact same piece with the soft pedal, and this particular student received full marks for extension and was selected by the Board of Studies to perform the piece for Encore at the opera house.
The difference between marking criteria is understandable however I am left in an extremely distressed state because I do not know what to do to resolve or improve my performance. I asked the music department if it was possible to record my practical assessment as this seemed to me a good way to objectively watch my performance and understand the feedback that my examiners are giving to me. This is particularly pertinent when I am faced with the dilemma of receiving written feedback that is either extremely vague or directly contradicts the musical score markings and the directions of my piano teacher. I understand that the classroom teachers are expert professionals in developing students for the HSC exam, however I am the only Music 2 student and both examiners are non-specialists on the piano (as I was informed by the head of department). In addition there was a written comment criticising my use of the soft pedal in one of my Music 2 pieces, which I feel is inaccurate, as I have not been taught to use the soft pedal for this particular piece, so I would never have used it during the performance. When I asked my class teacher why the comment was made and by whom it was made, I was told that the comments were a combination of both markers’ observations and that it was against the music department’s policy to reveal details regarding which of the two markers made specific comments. I am therefore unable to ask for further clarification and detail on the comments made. The point being is that when I asked if we could video record the practical sessions in order to clarify pedalling discrepancies and have a better understanding of how I performed, I was told that this was against school/music department policy. Again I do not see the logic in this and I am trying very hard to engage with my own learning and study, but when faced with strongly negative verbal feedback and vague written feedback that is contradictory and unhelpful, I do not see what I can do.
In general the feedback that has been given regarding my music 2/extension studies has been very inconsistent and the negative nature is really daunting, particularly when there are big stretches of no feedback whatsoever during lessons and then a sudden mass of negative feedback from my extension teacher a couple of days or sometimes even hours before I am due to perform for an assessment, which increases my stress/anxiety level during a performance. Although my Music 2 teacher Mr L has been extremely helpful in discussing with me some of my extension problems, I do understand that ultimately he is unable to fully advise me, as it is Ms B that is my extension teacher. Yet I do not feel particularly supported as I find the harsh, alarming choice of wording in my extension teacher’s verbal feedback to be discouraging and un-motivational. Quite frankly I feel that to be told my performance was ‘shocking’ and that I ‘didn’t do well at all’ without substantial reasoning or useful advice on how to improve is damaging to my performance skills and distressful. My piano teacher is also concerned that it is negatively affecting my confidence as a performer. As such I am uncomfortable with approaching the head of music and am reluctant to discuss such issues with her.
Therefore I hope that you can help me resolve my concerns regarding the assessment procedures so that I can work towards a better result in the final exam. I also hope that by voicing my concerns I have not negatively impacted my future assessments and interactions with the music department.
The next day, the principal replies at 7am with something like, 'Don't lose heart we'll sort this out'.
The next week, I go see Ms H and Dr H, and they immediately agree on getting me a new teacher.
A month later, I meet the best high school music teacher in the country from principal's old school.
Days after that, the school is paying for me to get taught by the most amazing inspirational teacher I have ever met.
Ms B was scary indeed. Where to start? I had so much faith in her at the beginning. I listened to everything she told me, because she seemed like she actually cared at first. I thought to myself, I'll do everything this woman tells me to do, because why would my own teacher want to hurt me? She ended up ruining me and my perception of piano when my relationship with it was already fragile and scarred from my own crazy piano teacher. She knew my weakness: my feelings about my own piano teacher. She made me doubt my own piano teacher more, then my piano teacher on the following Sunday would make me doubt Ms B, then it would continue in a vicious cycle to and fro, until I no longer trusted both teachers. The coldest person ever. Even though she's all smiles, and 'Hi darlings', you can never talk to her properly about anything without feeling less than her, or like she holds absolute power and authority, because she is likely to snap at you any moment. Eyes that bug out, looks like a tall anorexic version of Cruella de Ville with a fringe and really long straight light brown-blonde hair she always wore out. Same age as my mum (48 ish?) No kids.
Did the same thing to her fellow colleagues too, in bullying them. Rh once walked in on Ms B telling off Mr L, she was towering over him and he was sitting in a chair looking stressed out. Ms B randomly pats Ms V on the shoulder condescendingly sometimes when she accompanies. I had never come across a teacher as manipulative and cunning as she was. She's the type of person who always makes you rethink the true meaning of her words. Played mind games with her all the time. Sick of it. Never experienced a teacher like this before .They were either outright bitchy, or outright nice, or in between. She's one of the rare ones that can't be categorised.
-She was the music co-ordinator and ex music extension teacher. Leaving at the end of the year, partially thanks to me I think (not that her leaving after my graduation does me much good). So much shit went down with her.
-Came to the school in yr 10. Other than the more important issues outlined in the email, here are some more -
-First time she heard me play in yr 11, told me the rhythm was entirely wrong and said all-negative things to me THE DAY BEFORE a performance assessment. Made me panic so so much, I then went to her at recess and asked to change my piece for the recital. Her answer? 'Absolutely not, we cannot condone this'. Said it in this really disapproving tone of voice.
-When she became my music ext teacher, told me that she always talked about me with her mum, and that her mum didn't approve of my piano lesson times. I DIDN'T FUCKING CARE what her mum thought.
-Wore a racy backless dress when she was conducting the school orchestra, so hence her back was turned to the entire audience of parents, some of whom complained about it after the K-12 concert.
-Criticised Ms F's piano accompaniment at the concert (although she was pretty awful herself). When she turns her back, everyone sees Ms F give Ms B the finger. THE FINGER, IN FRONT OF ALL THE STUDENTS.
-In reality, has really bad self-esteem. During the K-12 concert made really big mistakes in the CHOIR accompaniment on both nights, was really obvious. But she still acts like she's the shit to cover this up. This is why she almost always makes Ms V accompany instead, because Ms V is amazing at piano accompaniment.
-Yelled at a girl in the Music 1 class, E, whose mum turned out to be head of parent's association. Mum rang up Dr H and pretty much put a restraining order against Ms B. From that day onwards, Ms B wasn't allowed to assess us.
-Yelled at Rh for missing choir, telling her to 'wake up'. Rh's mum got furious, rang up Ms B.
-Y in Music 1 class complained about her to Ms H like crazy.
-Dr H was already keeping an eye on her because countless parents had already complained.
-Never ever taught me anything during Music class, until the DAY OF the performance, when she would walk into the room, demand to hear everything, then tell me all that was wrong 2 hours before I'd be due to perform. The rest of the time, she would not give me a single piece of advice or comment, whether positive or negative, on my playing. I was simply to go practise in a practice room.
-In yr 11 final prelim exam, Ms B forgot to order us the yr 11 Music 2 exam, or it hadn't arrived yet. She intentionally stood in the room and watched the exam supervisor hand out Trial HSC exams instead. My eyes almost bugged out of my head when I saw the HSC essay question that we had never learnt the content for, as we were still in Prelim. I was too scared to say anything, and so were the other 2 girls (well they were going to drop down to Music 1 anyway so didn't care). Next lesson, I bring it up with Mr L. He admits he was aware of it and apologises for it. A week later another girl's dad does say something, and we get interviewed by Ms H. Because it is pretty serious, giving a class the wrong exam on purpose. Ms B denies it was wrong, claimed that we 'should be prepared for anything' and that it as 'good practise for HSC', then proceeded to mark all of us super-easy so the other girl would stop complaining. Refuses to apologise to us, then bitches about Mr L in front of us after she asks us what Mr L has told us, and I told her Mr L apologised to us. Proceeds to say, 'I don't understand why he'd do that! There's nothing to apologise for!' with a disgusted facial expression.
-Told me to bluff my way through a HSC assessment 2 hours before the performance, because 'both examiners didn't specialise in piano' and wouldn't notice my 'wrong rhythm'. When said 'wrong rhythm' had never been brought to my attention prior to that day.
-Husband was equally crazy. In Advanced, G once told me that when debating with girls from Ms B's old school, they told her that Ms B had been fired and someone had sprayed 'F U MS B' over a locker door. And also that upon sending an email to her husband to fix a computer (because he was the IT guy at Ms B's old school), he replied with information about how climate change doesn't exist.
-Ensemble piece. Oh God. Let's see. Coerced me into using yr 11 violinist on music scholarship (poor thing gets slave-used by everyone for every music thing there is). She told me it would be good practise for the year 11 girl's own HSC next year (cool, so she gets to play around with my HSC to get a feel for it first)! When I wanted to hire professionals, she dissed my piano teacher's idea and insisted on yr 11 violinist. That was ridiculous. I wasn't asking the school to pay for the professionals! I would be paying out of my own pocket, and she still had good reason to say 'I strongly don't encourage...' Of course, she couldn't outright say no (it was my HSC not hers, and most people used professionals unless they went to a school that was really good at music and had capable student musicians), but I didn't want to piss her off, because she would be the one marking all my assessments (at that point I had no idea internals counted for nothing. Wish I did, would've made life a lot easier if I'd said no from the start). Made me hire the school cello teacher, too. Never told me I had to pay $80 an hour for him, until about 5 rehearsals later when she sneakily made Mr L give me a permission slip outlining the cost. Cellist later tells me he will be away right before trials, and he had told Ms B and he hoped that was ok with me. Well, it wasn't. And Ms B later played dumb after I complained to Ms H. When Ms H asked her about ensemble issue, she claimed she knew nothing about it. She then tells Ms H of her 'concerns' that it may not be fair on the yr 11 violinist as she has already spent so much time rehearsing with me. Who's fault was that, and how does that make sense? If she continued playing for my HSC, wouldn't she be wasting even more time? As Rh said, IT'S MY FRIKKIN HSC WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE, and no one else matters. I later gave violinist a $100 gift card anyway for all the rehearsals we'd done and the 'waste of time', just because I knew she suffered too much under Ms B. But I refused to let a yr 11 girl play for my HSC, especially when she had prelims to worry about at the time and was already in a shitload of orchestras, ensembles! Even though this year 11 girl was really talented (in retrospect, even when I compare her to the professional violinists I used after her, she had lovely tone). But a year 11 girl is just that, a year 11 girl who doesn't care. Don't get me wrong, she was nice enough and as I said, knew what she was doing, but in the end if I were in her position and I was getting forced to show up to school at 7:30 every week to rehearse with random yr 12 girl without getting paid for it when prelims are around the corner, it wouldn't be on my top list of priorities either. When I hinted this to Mr L, he said something like 'musicians like this girl do it for the music, it's their life'. Well, no matter how talented she is or enjoys 'playing the music', in the end she has priorities too. I could freaking have said in yr 11 that I enjoyed sleeping in as much as she enjoyed playing music. Does that mean I should/would sleep in during Prelims? So logically, she would not have been able to put her best effort into my ensemble piece, and I certainly do not blame her. There's always that reassurance you get when you pay someone to do something for you, in that you know they will take it seriously (especially if it was someone my piano teacher would recommend). It was funny because my piano teacher was like, 'you tell that bitch I will no longer be your teacher if you use that year 11 girl as your violinist'. Which was quite melodramatic, because year 11 girl was really not that bad, and piano teacher screwed up my ensemble big time, too, by making me request exam dates with the BOS TWICE in order to accommodate the violinist's concert schedule (not a good idea, because we all know you accommodate the BOS, not the other way round) . Might make another post on my piano teacher sometime, because of all the issues I had with her. By the time my HSC rolled around, the BOS totally ignored my exam request date, as we had left it too late (I didn't get rid of violin girl until I emailed the principal, because I was too scared to tell Ms B face to face) and we had already requested different dates twice (because the first time had been Ms B requesting a date that yr 11 girl would be available, and then when I managed to get rid of Ms B and changed to the other violinist, we had to re-submit the dates that he would be available). I had had 3 different cellists and 3 different violinists, and had just gotten a new one 2 weeks before the exam because my usual violinist after the yr 11 girl had gone to a competition in Italy and the BOS ignored the request for my exam to be held earlier. New last minute violinist (who C magically found for me) stuffed up during the HSC a bit, which put me off a bit too during the performance. She squeaked big time, was out of tune sometimes and that caused me to make a few very noticeable mistakes. But not her fault, she had only had 2 rehearsals with us with 2 weeks notice to prepare everything. So I probably should have kept using yr 11 girl, but as I said, it's morally wrong too, to make someone do that when you know they have no choice and are only doing it because they are scared of Ms B. However, even the school cello teacher who Ms B made me use wasn't that good. He was taught HSC music by Ms B at her old school when he was in year 12 (he only graduated a few years ago, and I doubt he was that qualified). I could immediately tell the difference between his playing and a professional's (and I was meant to pay him!) whereas at least the violin girl was decent and cost nothing. In the end both Ms B and piano teacher stuffed me up big time, Ms B because she made me use yr 11 girl and piano teacher because she was so against the girl playing for me (when she was not that bad), and because she said to me, 'Don't worry the BOS will give you the dates you want, the AMEB always does'. Pretty idiotic. Comparing the sadistic BOS to a private music examination board who would want to please the parents that pay exam enrolment fees. The AMEB are at the mercy of parents who pay fees. The BOS, on they other hand, wouldn't have a reason to give a shit about our exams. You helplessly regurgitate the belonging-themed bullshit they ask you to, you don't make your demands on them. Ms B claimed the poor girl had no choice but to play for me because it was a 'Christian school' so we 'helped each other out', especially as she was a 'music scholar'. Ms B also kept reminding me that 'it is your ensemble, you need to know what you are doing and what your instrumentalists are doing' Well, why do I need a teacher then, hmmm? That's like saying I should know how to do fucking calculus before learning it. Not to mention she never supervised any rehearsal beyond the 1st.
-At the K-12 concert, told my violinist to stand rather than sit, as she was 'performing'. Excuse me? Not a single youtube video shows a piano trio being performed with the violinist standing.It is not, after all, a violin solo with piano and cello accompaniment. Either she had no idea what she was talking about, or she couldn't stand the thought of me playing something other than an accompaniment, so tried to make the violinist stand so it looked like she was doing a solo. Even the cellist looked a bit irritated, and then politely suggested the violinist sit, though Ms B was a bit put off by that.
Let's start off this post, future J in 5 year's time, with a bit of a refresher with this email that K helped me write (salvaged from my school email sent box, before my school email account gets deleted). Obviously I'm not posting my teachers' names all over the internet (could come back to haunt me), so will put the first initial instead.
-K, who helped me write it, is my genius music tutor who I'd be lost without. Almost wrote half my composition for me practically. Was on full music scholarship to musically prestigious private school. Went to the best music conservatory in the nation. Did a couple more music degrees at fancy French conservatoires. Came 1st in the state for Music 2 and extension when she was only in year 11 doing HSC accelerated. Composition got performed at the Opera House. Trained to become a concert pianist. Returned to teach at old high school my principal came from, so they were good friends or something.
-Dr H was my school principal.
-Ms H was the director of studies (who had awkwardly enough also interviewed me for my scholarship, and had also caught me out on numerous occasions doing things I wasn't meant to be doing). She was really distant and appears strict on the surface at first so some people didn't like her, but in reality Ms H was actually nice and by the end of school I actually liked her. I just think she appears strict because as director of studies, you'd have to be pretty good at scaring people into handing their assessments in and stuff.
-Mr L was my music 2 teacher, and I didn't like him much (see previous blog post), although at the time of the email we were on good terms with each other. He was not a mean person at all, just frustrating and ignorant to deal with. One of those people who are doing their doctorate but still totally absent-minded. I could never figure out if he was a genius or a total idiot. Would never, ever give me feedback on my playing during lesson times (partly because he was a trumpet player). But as a teacher (who marked my recitals!) he was still supposed to. If he was 'capable' of marking my performance assessments, he too should have been capable of giving me feedback during lessons. I suspect he was too scared of Ms B to say anything about my playing, in the event that Ms B disagreed with whatever he said.
-Ms V, another music teacher. Never got taught by her, but she used to be the choir teacher so I knew her. Her VET girls always complained about how lazy she was and apparently she was not a good teacher, although some people really liked her. I liked her relatively well because she wasn't evil and made it obvious she didn't like Ms B (all the teachers hated her). She was also super nice to me before a performance. Right after Ms B put me down say an hour beforehand, Ms V would tell me I was 'sounding good' (she didn't know Ms B always said the opposite, because Ms B always did it with us alone in the room). Sometimes made me feel better, and she was an amazing accompanist who was way better than Ms B. I suspect Ms B was a bit jealous of her piano skills, as Ms B had done a music education degree at the con (which really isn't that much of a prestigious degree, and not hard to get into), whereas Ms V had done an actual performance degree at the con and was way younger.
-Ms F, who I really didn't know that well at all. Just another music teacher, but everyone seemed to like her and she was the only one of them who has been at this school awhile. Was not a pianist but was still allowed to mark me for my assessment, filling in for Ms B who was no longer allowed to mark us after a parent complained about her.
Dear Dr H,
I have been really worried about my Music 2/Extension courses and I have written an email to Ms. H but I am concerned that if I send it there will be negative ramifications for my interactions with the music department and thus my assessments. I don't know what to do. Can you have a look at the below email and please advise me with who I should talk to?
Regards,
J
Yr 12
Dear Ms. H,
I am writing to you because I need some clarification regarding my HSC Music 2/Extension Courses. There have been confusing and conflicting messages from different staff members of the music department regarding my assessment tasks.
I really want to use the assessments as learning tools so that I can improve upon my mistakes and work towards a better result for the final exam. I also get private tutoring for my music studies both in performance and musicology and both my teachers would find it very useful to have some feedback regarding these assessments.
The first issue is regarding my written exam that was held during the assessment block last term.
I have received my mark, however I have been told that it is music department policy not to return the actual paper so I have not even had the chance to go through the entire paper to see where I lost marks. I have also been told by the music staff that the Language department also does not return written papers, however I am confused as I have seen language students receive their written papers. This means that I do not know which areas I lost marks in and how I may further improve. It doesn't seem very logical that the music department would withhold an internal exam. My musicology tutor is the head of music curriculum at another school and she is also unable to understand the rationale behind this.
I am the only Music 2 student and despite my teacher’s best efforts, it is difficult enough as it is for me to improve or learn when I am in the same class with students who are all doing another course with different requirements. It is hard to gauge my progress without any comparable classmates, so I really rely on in depth feedback regarding my assessments.
The second issue is concerning my practical exam this term. I performed on the piano three pieces. My Music 2 teacher Mr. L and another teacher Ms F marked my practical exam, however I also received verbal feedback from the head of department, Ms B, who is my extension teacher.
The Head of department informed me that my first piece for extension was 'shocking' and that I 'didn't do well at all' overall. In particular she claimed that 'both markers commented on misuse of the soft pedal'. However none of the written feedback I received indicated that this was a problem and when I discussed this with one of my markers he didn't know what I was talking about. I performed this piece for my AMusA last year, which I successfully achieved, and my Amus examiners also commented on the written report that 'the pedalling was effective'. My classroom teacher stated that this might be an issue of different marking criteria between the Board of Studies and AMEB. However I have looked at the marking criteria and I do not see the rationale for a 'shocking' assessment vs. a successful completion of a diploma level AMEB exam. I have also discussed this with the head of department, and she suggested my diploma examiners may have been 'too busy writing comments' to notice problems with my playing, and also that regardless of the repertoire being played, I should never use the soft pedal for the entire duration of a piece. She has also made other comments that my musicology tutor (who trained as a concert pianist) disagrees with. This has caused a great deal of stressful confusion for me. My piano teacher is also at a loss as to why my extension teacher has made these comments particularly regarding the soft pedal use. She has had another student several years ago play the exact same piece with the soft pedal, and this particular student received full marks for extension and was selected by the Board of Studies to perform the piece for Encore at the opera house.
The difference between marking criteria is understandable however I am left in an extremely distressed state because I do not know what to do to resolve or improve my performance. I asked the music department if it was possible to record my practical assessment as this seemed to me a good way to objectively watch my performance and understand the feedback that my examiners are giving to me. This is particularly pertinent when I am faced with the dilemma of receiving written feedback that is either extremely vague or directly contradicts the musical score markings and the directions of my piano teacher. I understand that the classroom teachers are expert professionals in developing students for the HSC exam, however I am the only Music 2 student and both examiners are non-specialists on the piano (as I was informed by the head of department). In addition there was a written comment criticising my use of the soft pedal in one of my Music 2 pieces, which I feel is inaccurate, as I have not been taught to use the soft pedal for this particular piece, so I would never have used it during the performance. When I asked my class teacher why the comment was made and by whom it was made, I was told that the comments were a combination of both markers’ observations and that it was against the music department’s policy to reveal details regarding which of the two markers made specific comments. I am therefore unable to ask for further clarification and detail on the comments made. The point being is that when I asked if we could video record the practical sessions in order to clarify pedalling discrepancies and have a better understanding of how I performed, I was told that this was against school/music department policy. Again I do not see the logic in this and I am trying very hard to engage with my own learning and study, but when faced with strongly negative verbal feedback and vague written feedback that is contradictory and unhelpful, I do not see what I can do.
In general the feedback that has been given regarding my music 2/extension studies has been very inconsistent and the negative nature is really daunting, particularly when there are big stretches of no feedback whatsoever during lessons and then a sudden mass of negative feedback from my extension teacher a couple of days or sometimes even hours before I am due to perform for an assessment, which increases my stress/anxiety level during a performance. Although my Music 2 teacher Mr L has been extremely helpful in discussing with me some of my extension problems, I do understand that ultimately he is unable to fully advise me, as it is Ms B that is my extension teacher. Yet I do not feel particularly supported as I find the harsh, alarming choice of wording in my extension teacher’s verbal feedback to be discouraging and un-motivational. Quite frankly I feel that to be told my performance was ‘shocking’ and that I ‘didn’t do well at all’ without substantial reasoning or useful advice on how to improve is damaging to my performance skills and distressful. My piano teacher is also concerned that it is negatively affecting my confidence as a performer. As such I am uncomfortable with approaching the head of music and am reluctant to discuss such issues with her.
Therefore I hope that you can help me resolve my concerns regarding the assessment procedures so that I can work towards a better result in the final exam. I also hope that by voicing my concerns I have not negatively impacted my future assessments and interactions with the music department.
The next day, the principal replies at 7am with something like, 'Don't lose heart we'll sort this out'.
The next week, I go see Ms H and Dr H, and they immediately agree on getting me a new teacher.
A month later, I meet the best high school music teacher in the country from principal's old school.
Days after that, the school is paying for me to get taught by the most amazing inspirational teacher I have ever met.
Ms B was scary indeed. Where to start? I had so much faith in her at the beginning. I listened to everything she told me, because she seemed like she actually cared at first. I thought to myself, I'll do everything this woman tells me to do, because why would my own teacher want to hurt me? She ended up ruining me and my perception of piano when my relationship with it was already fragile and scarred from my own crazy piano teacher. She knew my weakness: my feelings about my own piano teacher. She made me doubt my own piano teacher more, then my piano teacher on the following Sunday would make me doubt Ms B, then it would continue in a vicious cycle to and fro, until I no longer trusted both teachers. The coldest person ever. Even though she's all smiles, and 'Hi darlings', you can never talk to her properly about anything without feeling less than her, or like she holds absolute power and authority, because she is likely to snap at you any moment. Eyes that bug out, looks like a tall anorexic version of Cruella de Ville with a fringe and really long straight light brown-blonde hair she always wore out. Same age as my mum (48 ish?) No kids.
Did the same thing to her fellow colleagues too, in bullying them. Rh once walked in on Ms B telling off Mr L, she was towering over him and he was sitting in a chair looking stressed out. Ms B randomly pats Ms V on the shoulder condescendingly sometimes when she accompanies. I had never come across a teacher as manipulative and cunning as she was. She's the type of person who always makes you rethink the true meaning of her words. Played mind games with her all the time. Sick of it. Never experienced a teacher like this before .They were either outright bitchy, or outright nice, or in between. She's one of the rare ones that can't be categorised.
-She was the music co-ordinator and ex music extension teacher. Leaving at the end of the year, partially thanks to me I think (not that her leaving after my graduation does me much good). So much shit went down with her.
-Came to the school in yr 10. Other than the more important issues outlined in the email, here are some more -
-First time she heard me play in yr 11, told me the rhythm was entirely wrong and said all-negative things to me THE DAY BEFORE a performance assessment. Made me panic so so much, I then went to her at recess and asked to change my piece for the recital. Her answer? 'Absolutely not, we cannot condone this'. Said it in this really disapproving tone of voice.
-When she became my music ext teacher, told me that she always talked about me with her mum, and that her mum didn't approve of my piano lesson times. I DIDN'T FUCKING CARE what her mum thought.
-Wore a racy backless dress when she was conducting the school orchestra, so hence her back was turned to the entire audience of parents, some of whom complained about it after the K-12 concert.
-Criticised Ms F's piano accompaniment at the concert (although she was pretty awful herself). When she turns her back, everyone sees Ms F give Ms B the finger. THE FINGER, IN FRONT OF ALL THE STUDENTS.
-In reality, has really bad self-esteem. During the K-12 concert made really big mistakes in the CHOIR accompaniment on both nights, was really obvious. But she still acts like she's the shit to cover this up. This is why she almost always makes Ms V accompany instead, because Ms V is amazing at piano accompaniment.
-Yelled at a girl in the Music 1 class, E, whose mum turned out to be head of parent's association. Mum rang up Dr H and pretty much put a restraining order against Ms B. From that day onwards, Ms B wasn't allowed to assess us.
-Yelled at Rh for missing choir, telling her to 'wake up'. Rh's mum got furious, rang up Ms B.
-Y in Music 1 class complained about her to Ms H like crazy.
-Dr H was already keeping an eye on her because countless parents had already complained.
-Never ever taught me anything during Music class, until the DAY OF the performance, when she would walk into the room, demand to hear everything, then tell me all that was wrong 2 hours before I'd be due to perform. The rest of the time, she would not give me a single piece of advice or comment, whether positive or negative, on my playing. I was simply to go practise in a practice room.
-In yr 11 final prelim exam, Ms B forgot to order us the yr 11 Music 2 exam, or it hadn't arrived yet. She intentionally stood in the room and watched the exam supervisor hand out Trial HSC exams instead. My eyes almost bugged out of my head when I saw the HSC essay question that we had never learnt the content for, as we were still in Prelim. I was too scared to say anything, and so were the other 2 girls (well they were going to drop down to Music 1 anyway so didn't care). Next lesson, I bring it up with Mr L. He admits he was aware of it and apologises for it. A week later another girl's dad does say something, and we get interviewed by Ms H. Because it is pretty serious, giving a class the wrong exam on purpose. Ms B denies it was wrong, claimed that we 'should be prepared for anything' and that it as 'good practise for HSC', then proceeded to mark all of us super-easy so the other girl would stop complaining. Refuses to apologise to us, then bitches about Mr L in front of us after she asks us what Mr L has told us, and I told her Mr L apologised to us. Proceeds to say, 'I don't understand why he'd do that! There's nothing to apologise for!' with a disgusted facial expression.
-Told me to bluff my way through a HSC assessment 2 hours before the performance, because 'both examiners didn't specialise in piano' and wouldn't notice my 'wrong rhythm'. When said 'wrong rhythm' had never been brought to my attention prior to that day.
-Husband was equally crazy. In Advanced, G once told me that when debating with girls from Ms B's old school, they told her that Ms B had been fired and someone had sprayed 'F U MS B' over a locker door. And also that upon sending an email to her husband to fix a computer (because he was the IT guy at Ms B's old school), he replied with information about how climate change doesn't exist.
-Ensemble piece. Oh God. Let's see. Coerced me into using yr 11 violinist on music scholarship (poor thing gets slave-used by everyone for every music thing there is). She told me it would be good practise for the year 11 girl's own HSC next year (cool, so she gets to play around with my HSC to get a feel for it first)! When I wanted to hire professionals, she dissed my piano teacher's idea and insisted on yr 11 violinist. That was ridiculous. I wasn't asking the school to pay for the professionals! I would be paying out of my own pocket, and she still had good reason to say 'I strongly don't encourage...' Of course, she couldn't outright say no (it was my HSC not hers, and most people used professionals unless they went to a school that was really good at music and had capable student musicians), but I didn't want to piss her off, because she would be the one marking all my assessments (at that point I had no idea internals counted for nothing. Wish I did, would've made life a lot easier if I'd said no from the start). Made me hire the school cello teacher, too. Never told me I had to pay $80 an hour for him, until about 5 rehearsals later when she sneakily made Mr L give me a permission slip outlining the cost. Cellist later tells me he will be away right before trials, and he had told Ms B and he hoped that was ok with me. Well, it wasn't. And Ms B later played dumb after I complained to Ms H. When Ms H asked her about ensemble issue, she claimed she knew nothing about it. She then tells Ms H of her 'concerns' that it may not be fair on the yr 11 violinist as she has already spent so much time rehearsing with me. Who's fault was that, and how does that make sense? If she continued playing for my HSC, wouldn't she be wasting even more time? As Rh said, IT'S MY FRIKKIN HSC WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE, and no one else matters. I later gave violinist a $100 gift card anyway for all the rehearsals we'd done and the 'waste of time', just because I knew she suffered too much under Ms B. But I refused to let a yr 11 girl play for my HSC, especially when she had prelims to worry about at the time and was already in a shitload of orchestras, ensembles! Even though this year 11 girl was really talented (in retrospect, even when I compare her to the professional violinists I used after her, she had lovely tone). But a year 11 girl is just that, a year 11 girl who doesn't care. Don't get me wrong, she was nice enough and as I said, knew what she was doing, but in the end if I were in her position and I was getting forced to show up to school at 7:30 every week to rehearse with random yr 12 girl without getting paid for it when prelims are around the corner, it wouldn't be on my top list of priorities either. When I hinted this to Mr L, he said something like 'musicians like this girl do it for the music, it's their life'. Well, no matter how talented she is or enjoys 'playing the music', in the end she has priorities too. I could freaking have said in yr 11 that I enjoyed sleeping in as much as she enjoyed playing music. Does that mean I should/would sleep in during Prelims? So logically, she would not have been able to put her best effort into my ensemble piece, and I certainly do not blame her. There's always that reassurance you get when you pay someone to do something for you, in that you know they will take it seriously (especially if it was someone my piano teacher would recommend). It was funny because my piano teacher was like, 'you tell that bitch I will no longer be your teacher if you use that year 11 girl as your violinist'. Which was quite melodramatic, because year 11 girl was really not that bad, and piano teacher screwed up my ensemble big time, too, by making me request exam dates with the BOS TWICE in order to accommodate the violinist's concert schedule (not a good idea, because we all know you accommodate the BOS, not the other way round) . Might make another post on my piano teacher sometime, because of all the issues I had with her. By the time my HSC rolled around, the BOS totally ignored my exam request date, as we had left it too late (I didn't get rid of violin girl until I emailed the principal, because I was too scared to tell Ms B face to face) and we had already requested different dates twice (because the first time had been Ms B requesting a date that yr 11 girl would be available, and then when I managed to get rid of Ms B and changed to the other violinist, we had to re-submit the dates that he would be available). I had had 3 different cellists and 3 different violinists, and had just gotten a new one 2 weeks before the exam because my usual violinist after the yr 11 girl had gone to a competition in Italy and the BOS ignored the request for my exam to be held earlier. New last minute violinist (who C magically found for me) stuffed up during the HSC a bit, which put me off a bit too during the performance. She squeaked big time, was out of tune sometimes and that caused me to make a few very noticeable mistakes. But not her fault, she had only had 2 rehearsals with us with 2 weeks notice to prepare everything. So I probably should have kept using yr 11 girl, but as I said, it's morally wrong too, to make someone do that when you know they have no choice and are only doing it because they are scared of Ms B. However, even the school cello teacher who Ms B made me use wasn't that good. He was taught HSC music by Ms B at her old school when he was in year 12 (he only graduated a few years ago, and I doubt he was that qualified). I could immediately tell the difference between his playing and a professional's (and I was meant to pay him!) whereas at least the violin girl was decent and cost nothing. In the end both Ms B and piano teacher stuffed me up big time, Ms B because she made me use yr 11 girl and piano teacher because she was so against the girl playing for me (when she was not that bad), and because she said to me, 'Don't worry the BOS will give you the dates you want, the AMEB always does'. Pretty idiotic. Comparing the sadistic BOS to a private music examination board who would want to please the parents that pay exam enrolment fees. The AMEB are at the mercy of parents who pay fees. The BOS, on they other hand, wouldn't have a reason to give a shit about our exams. You helplessly regurgitate the belonging-themed bullshit they ask you to, you don't make your demands on them. Ms B claimed the poor girl had no choice but to play for me because it was a 'Christian school' so we 'helped each other out', especially as she was a 'music scholar'. Ms B also kept reminding me that 'it is your ensemble, you need to know what you are doing and what your instrumentalists are doing' Well, why do I need a teacher then, hmmm? That's like saying I should know how to do fucking calculus before learning it. Not to mention she never supervised any rehearsal beyond the 1st.
-At the K-12 concert, told my violinist to stand rather than sit, as she was 'performing'. Excuse me? Not a single youtube video shows a piano trio being performed with the violinist standing.It is not, after all, a violin solo with piano and cello accompaniment. Either she had no idea what she was talking about, or she couldn't stand the thought of me playing something other than an accompaniment, so tried to make the violinist stand so it looked like she was doing a solo. Even the cellist looked a bit irritated, and then politely suggested the violinist sit, though Ms B was a bit put off by that.
-Gave me a difficult time last year when I asked for permission to do music ext. Made a big fuss about what a high standard you have to be at. Then proceeded to tell me, on the very day of the recital that determined whether I'd be able to do ext or not, that if I made a noticeable mistake I'd be down to D range! On the day of my recital. Seeing a pattern here? Out to get me, obviously. Even my old piano teacher would never do that on the day of an exam and try to sabotage me intentionally (because a sane person would have no reason to do so). Rh's explanation? Ms B hated me and all the other pianists in the school because she was jealous and insecure of her own playing. Almost made sense to me, in fact. Either that or she was just jealous of my piano teacher. Piano teacher agreed with me. Anyway, Ms B claimed I couldn't do extension unless I got 18/20 for that recital. She ended up giving me exactly 18/20, because she knew there'd be hell to pay. Unbeknownst to her, I'd just recently played the same piece at my diploma exam and passed. So she's lucky she gave me at least 18, because if she hadn't, I'd have the diploma exam report as proof. And they say to do Music ext you need to be 7th grade standard. Fuck, I was a grade and a diploma beyond that. We can safely say she was making me doubt myself on purpose.
-Weird and psychotic. Once had me and a 20 y o male student teacher in her office. Took one look at the last name of my piece's composer, which happened to be 'Hiscocks'. Her reaction? "Hisssss...Cocks......unfortunate name". Me and male student teacher glance at her awkwardly. Not the situation/time to be pointing out sexual innuendos.
-Lost composition portfolio – I'm discussing it with Mr L, then
she pops up out of nowhere: ‘What’s the matter here? If you’ve lost your
portfolio the school can’t do anything about it, you’d better find it!’ Took pleasure in saying this when I was already crazy upset, especially as it was during the music concert rehearsal. I took one look at Rh next to me. When Ms B turns to stalk away, Rh and I discuss her bitchiness, obviously. Then Rh points subtly, and tells me to look towards the doorway. There, leaning against the door whilst the rehearsal is carrying on around us, is Ms B positively GLARING at us subtly. 30 mins later, she comes to her senses and realises a normal person would not have said that to me, so she comes back to me and puts on the all-nice 'Don't worry I'm sure you'll find it' act.
-Several times, she wouldn't be present for my ext lessons. I'd wander around the music building trying to find her. When I couldn't I'd just start practising by myself, as usual (this was what I'd do with her there, anyway). The next lesson, she'd disapprovingly tell me she marked me absent and she couldn't find me, and that I should ALWAYS find her before practising. Not after 15 minutes of looking for you, I won't. Not my fault if you can't be punctual to class.
-Kicked me out of orchestra in the most awkward way possible. I told her we were getting an assessment notification in history and I didn't want to miss the instructions, so couldn't come to half of orchestra rehearsal. She then says she'll have to replace me. Literally replies to my email in a really scary way, saying she would REPLACE ME (um, really? Do you really have to be that bitchy or make it come out sounding that way? Could you not just have said due to my bad attendance I was unfortunately unable to participate in orchestra)? Good luck with replacing me, who else would do it? I only did it back then because, as I said, I thought she'd be 50% responsible for my HSC mark and I sucked up to her big time, did everything she told me to. Heck, if she'd been like, 'we need an extra double bassist for chamber orchestra. Go learn double bass', I probably would've done it. According to O in my homeroom, the orchestra is only filled with amateur year 8 musicians and no senior would join it, because no one wants Ms B yelling at them each week.
-During a choir rehearsal, told us and the choir teacher Ms V that she certainly would not want to be paying $10 (the school concert ticket price) to be hearing our bad singing.
-3 days before my HSC exam, she wouldn't let me in the lecture theatre until I signed in at student services, despite me telling her I'd never had to do this before. Waited 15 minutes for bitchy office lady to emerge, then was informed that there was no such thing as a sign-in sheet for the lecture theatre.
-Glared at me for not handing in my composition portfolio on the day it was due (when no one had told me it would be), then proceeded to scare and stress me on purpose by telling me it was due 20 minutes ago at 9am, when in fact it was due at 3pm according to the BOS.
-Asked me if I had a job. Felt awkward telling her about teaching piano (at that point I still believed her telling me I sucked), so just told her I babysat. She got all high and mighty and went on and on: ('well when I was 15, I was working at Myer'). I got the last laugh at the end though, because I'd much rather be getting paid $40 an hour teaching kids than getting half that amount working at Myer dealing with shoplifters and bratty old ladies wanting refunds.
I can only conclude she is psychotic. She really does show signs of being a psychopath, like legitimately. I am not exaggerating at all, and seriously consider her one. Mostly her inability to empathise but scarily enough being charismatic when needed. So glad she is leaving the school at the end of the year because of so many complaints (she probably felt a bit redundant because no one wanted her to be in charge of orchestra/teach their kid/assess their kid).
-Several times, she wouldn't be present for my ext lessons. I'd wander around the music building trying to find her. When I couldn't I'd just start practising by myself, as usual (this was what I'd do with her there, anyway). The next lesson, she'd disapprovingly tell me she marked me absent and she couldn't find me, and that I should ALWAYS find her before practising. Not after 15 minutes of looking for you, I won't. Not my fault if you can't be punctual to class.
-Kicked me out of orchestra in the most awkward way possible. I told her we were getting an assessment notification in history and I didn't want to miss the instructions, so couldn't come to half of orchestra rehearsal. She then says she'll have to replace me. Literally replies to my email in a really scary way, saying she would REPLACE ME (um, really? Do you really have to be that bitchy or make it come out sounding that way? Could you not just have said due to my bad attendance I was unfortunately unable to participate in orchestra)? Good luck with replacing me, who else would do it? I only did it back then because, as I said, I thought she'd be 50% responsible for my HSC mark and I sucked up to her big time, did everything she told me to. Heck, if she'd been like, 'we need an extra double bassist for chamber orchestra. Go learn double bass', I probably would've done it. According to O in my homeroom, the orchestra is only filled with amateur year 8 musicians and no senior would join it, because no one wants Ms B yelling at them each week.
-During a choir rehearsal, told us and the choir teacher Ms V that she certainly would not want to be paying $10 (the school concert ticket price) to be hearing our bad singing.
-3 days before my HSC exam, she wouldn't let me in the lecture theatre until I signed in at student services, despite me telling her I'd never had to do this before. Waited 15 minutes for bitchy office lady to emerge, then was informed that there was no such thing as a sign-in sheet for the lecture theatre.
-Glared at me for not handing in my composition portfolio on the day it was due (when no one had told me it would be), then proceeded to scare and stress me on purpose by telling me it was due 20 minutes ago at 9am, when in fact it was due at 3pm according to the BOS.
-Asked me if I had a job. Felt awkward telling her about teaching piano (at that point I still believed her telling me I sucked), so just told her I babysat. She got all high and mighty and went on and on: ('well when I was 15, I was working at Myer'). I got the last laugh at the end though, because I'd much rather be getting paid $40 an hour teaching kids than getting half that amount working at Myer dealing with shoplifters and bratty old ladies wanting refunds.
I can only conclude she is psychotic. She really does show signs of being a psychopath, like legitimately. I am not exaggerating at all, and seriously consider her one. Mostly her inability to empathise but scarily enough being charismatic when needed. So glad she is leaving the school at the end of the year because of so many complaints (she probably felt a bit redundant because no one wanted her to be in charge of orchestra/teach their kid/assess their kid).
http://www.decision-making-confidence.com/characteristics-of-a-psychopath.html
It ended up taking a superwoman like my new music ext teacher, C (friends with my principal), to fix the damage Ms B had done, and by then I was constantly down and telling myself I sucked and starting to believe Ms B. I remember one thing Ms B told me once (after I'd confided in her my beta blocker consumption in a last-ditch attempt to get her to be more understanding/to like me). She was like, 'Darling, all musicians are perfectionists, that's why we all get stage fright. I once vomited from nerves. All symphony orchestra musicians take beta blockers. Don't expect it to go away. Performance anxiety NEVER goes away, it just gets worse over time'. Thanks for the fucking reassuring advice, Ms B. Funny, because in the end it wasn't perfectionism that caused my performance anxiety, but Ms B. I felt instantly better with C, and nailed almost all of my HSC pieces as well as my yr 12 last recital as well as the yr 12 concert accompanying Rh. All that with barely any stage fright and performance anxiety, because I didn't have to focus on Ms B telling me about all the crap wrong with my playing an hour before being due to perform. You try practising for 14 hours a week, and then still have someone tell you that you suck without telling you how to improve. Dr H was really understanding after one recital where Ms B was in the audience and I didn't feel good about performing, she later told C that she thought I was 'superb' and had C suggest for me to study music at the con. Both Dr H and C and even Ms H to an extent were like my saviours.
The scariest thing about Ms B was by far the fact that she was all false pretences. Appeared completely sane and nice (but she could somehow balance this with making people feel super inferior). But beneath this exterior, she was a cold manipulative conniving psychopath. Scarily enough, her enjoyment of terrorising students on a superficial level wasn't even the reason why I so hated her. She only did the terrorising thing in orchestra and stuff in a 'super strict teacher way'. But even super strict teachers are usually nice normal people, at the very least sane, in reality. Alone with me, Ms B was the opposite of what she was like in orchestra. She'd appear nice, but was really a control freak psychopath underneath. Usually, I can read people pretty well. I think Ms B is one of the few people who has ever been able to really get to me, who has actually won mind games with me. One day, I'd think maybe she does care after all. Then the next day she would do something behind a sneaky facade of kindness that was anything but. In the end, after the 'shocking' incident, I was literally left bawling in senior study at the library after Rh and EP saw my facial expression and asked what was wrong. Various people saw me, and someone must have reported to Dr H when they asked me what was wrong (because when I complained, Dr H had told me that some girls had said they were concerned about Ms B telling me I was 'shocking'-ly bad). Dr H repeatedly asked me if it was just the two of us alone all those times Ms B had put me down, so she must have realised that she was just trying to be a bully on purpose. I concluded she was indeed out to get me, and now I realise how naive I was to let her get to me that way.
It sounds melodramatic, and that's the thing with her. She has a way of doing things that cut you deeply but appear to be all nice and fine on the surface, so that to this day I am still puzzling over what her true intentions were. No one fully understands what it's like to deal with a psychopath. When you complain to people about Ms B, you even realise you may sound a bit melodramatic and oversensitive, and when you say things out loud about her, what she has done doesn't even appear to be all that evil, so you sound stupid. You have to be there to understand what she's like (and the only people who understood my issues with Ms B were the people who'd experienced her authoritative strict control freak side, but even these people didn't understand the worst of it). The thing with psychopaths is that they are inherently psychopathic with everyone, not just one person they hate, and that was certainly true with Ms B. I never gave her a reason to hate me, and I don't think she did (I was all smiles and thanks miss and hi miss and sorry miss even the day before I complained about her). She was even psychopathic with students she 'liked', such as the really talented year 11 violinist. Though she never seemed to get along well with any of the pianists. You have to understand though, that I truly don't think she EVER hated me. She bullied me maybe even unconsciously. I never gave her any reason to hate me. Anything she told me to join, I would. I was all nice and smiley and high-pitched voice polite to her (I embarrassingly enough was sickeningly polite, almost sucking up to her, in a way I wouldn't be caught dead acting in front of a normal teacher). Even the day before I complained about her, she told me I was a 'good girl' and if parents rang her up on the phone with me there she'd be like 'I'm here with my darling Joanna'. Yes, she's one of those types of people who say weird things like that but somehow manages to pull it off/get away with it. I never complained to her face, or gave her any hint I hated her. Even when she told me I was bad at what I was playing, I'd smile and act non-upset and ask her for advice because I'm a good bullshitter (and she would give me the shittiest vague advice, like 'you have to play it more like the recording, just listen to it and think of how to play in a way a famous pianist would'). WTF? No shit, Sherlock, I listen to those recordings just so I can experiment because I have nothing better to do than stuff up my performances, and play the OPPOSITE of how a concert pianist plays. Lol if that's how she teaches piano, no wonder she's turned psychopathic. If she thought that was 'advice', just magically telling me to play like the recording, what a shame a lightbulb didn't go off in my head and all of a sudden transform my playing into fricken Lang Lang at the Opera House.
But no one got to feel the full extent of her psychopathic nature but me. Because I was her most victimised at this school. I was like her little pet experiment, and the circumstances were perfect for her as we were alone in a classroom environment (I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if there was another person doing music ext), and she could tell I would believe anything she said, so she used that to hurt me. Situation was further worsened by the fact that we both were pianists, and that awkwardly enough we both had the same level of piano qualifications (I had gotten my diploma only 7 years after she did, even though she's my mum's age). So technically, I had no real reason to even listen to her critiques over my piano teacher's. Music isn't like any other subject. It's insanely subjective, and half the time the teacher, I can guarantee you (at a musically average or bad school) would have no idea what the F they are talking about in the comments sections of you task feedback. What if I played the Harmonica, and I got marked by a teacher who played drums who knew nothing about harmonica? What if I had already gotten my master's diploma in piano performance (as another girl I know my age taught by my piano teacher does), and Ms B only had just received her bachelor's, then decided to critique me? What then, do you take a teacher seriously when they have lower qualifications than you do? I used to respect her judgements (I was so glad to get a teacher who played piano, not trumpet like Mr L). But then I soon realised she was even worse. Fine, if you want to be like Mr L, give me no feedback during lessons and don't give me feedback at all, ever, except when you are marking me. If you can't contribute improvements to my playing, then may as well leave me be and not worsen it by pretending you know what you are doing when you don't even play my instrument. But Ms B? Not only did she not give me feedback, she had to worsen my playing by saving 'feedback' for 2 hours before a performance and making me nervous on purpose! If that is not sabotage I don't know what is. Her favourite moments were probably after the recitals, when she would tell me I hadn't played well at all and then proceed to give me feedback pretentiously (like she had her freaking doctorate diploma or something), when it wasn't even correct/clear or justifiable! Then another long stretch of like 2 months with no feedback until the day of a recital, then the cycle repeats.
Ms B hated admitting she didn't know something or couldn't do something. She would rather give me the wrong feedback/answer than not give me one at all. Mr L had no issues telling me to check things up on the internet myself when I'd ask him basic questions about composition, like where is the proper placement of such and such italian direction on the score, or which string/finger should I indicate the cellist play this low note with. I used to think he was just being irritating by making me do my own 'research' even when I couldn't find it online and once he even made me text my cellist to answer my questions. But I later realised he only did that when he genuinely didn't know the answer to a question I asked (which puzzled me as he was doing his doctorate. Maybe a musicology degree, not a composition one? Or maybe because he was doing his doctorate at a not-that-good uni, not the con). Ms B liked to just pretend she had 'high expectations' to cover up her insecurity about her own abilities, but thankfully Dr H never fell for that. I remember Dr H saying to Ms H, 'K has high expectations too, but she teaches in a positive way'. Ms B's just about one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, I'll give her that.
I now think Ms B hired the crappy inexperienced submissive (well not all of them, but most inexperienced teachers don't know how to deal with bully coordinators) music department on purpose so that no one would have power over her or threaten her leadership position. Because let's face it, the entire music department sucked big time. At least 3 teachers frequently had to deal with parent/student complaints. All but one of the teachers (There were 5) came during or after 2011. Apparently something big happened to the (apparently good) music department before then, we don't know what but all the teachers left for better schools or positions. According to Ki, Dr H knew about the situation before I even complained, as our music department was absolute shit when she first came to the school this year. Especially compared to her last school's. Whilst Dr H's old school orchestra were playing masters-degree level violin concertos at the opera house, my school orchestra was still playing 'bananas in pyjamas' for the kindergarteners. And there was a reason why I was the only one doing both Music 2 and extension, when Dr H's old school had at least TEN girls doing extension. But all the other music teachers have hope. No matter how lazy Ms V is, or how ignorant Mr L is, at least they are not at all evil, and they are not psychopaths. They just lacked the personality traits you need to be a teacher, and also lacked the experience. Starting with Ms B leaving, Dr H is 'changing things', hopefully. I'd like to think Dr H really cares (she was always nice to me), because she has really strong ties to my school. She was the old school captain when she was an ex-student here, her daughters came to the school too, she was the old English co-ordinator, then director of studies, and now she's returned as the principal. Apparently Ka at her old school is on long service leave, so she will be doing Dr H a favour next year and come in to sort out the music department. Mr L BETTER up his game, too, because Ka is the best, most well-known music teacher in the whole freaking nation.
Psychopathy checklist (courtesy Wikipedia):
Without a doubt, she was a psychopath.
-She had superficial charm, alright. Was charismatic enough for me not to see through her at first, and she could suck up big time to important teachers/parents when needed.
-Grandiose sense of self-worth, for sure. Liked to make others feel inferior. E.g. the job at Myer thing.
-Pathological lying - ensemble and cellist issue.
-Conniving/manipulative: our whole fucking relationship was based on manipulation and mind games.
-Lack of remorse/guilt: told me I was 'shocking', and that I 'didn't perform well at all', did not feel remorse about giving us the wrong exams in yr 11, or care for that matter.
-Emotionally shallow? Yeah, you could say that again...
-Lack of empathy is obvious
-Failure to accept responsibility is a big one. Loved blaming Mr L for all her problems.
-Not sure about her lifestyle...though lack of long-term goals may be one (she has taught at and moved between many, many schools), as well as irresponsible.
-Not sure about the antisocial behaviour, as who knows what a mini Ms B was like. Though promiscuous sexual behaviour I could say was one thing, like the backless dress and sexual innuendos.
So now you will surely still understand and remember all the hell Ms B put you through, future Joanna, and know that no, you weren't being melodramatic at the time. Not at all.
It ended up taking a superwoman like my new music ext teacher, C (friends with my principal), to fix the damage Ms B had done, and by then I was constantly down and telling myself I sucked and starting to believe Ms B. I remember one thing Ms B told me once (after I'd confided in her my beta blocker consumption in a last-ditch attempt to get her to be more understanding/to like me). She was like, 'Darling, all musicians are perfectionists, that's why we all get stage fright. I once vomited from nerves. All symphony orchestra musicians take beta blockers. Don't expect it to go away. Performance anxiety NEVER goes away, it just gets worse over time'. Thanks for the fucking reassuring advice, Ms B. Funny, because in the end it wasn't perfectionism that caused my performance anxiety, but Ms B. I felt instantly better with C, and nailed almost all of my HSC pieces as well as my yr 12 last recital as well as the yr 12 concert accompanying Rh. All that with barely any stage fright and performance anxiety, because I didn't have to focus on Ms B telling me about all the crap wrong with my playing an hour before being due to perform. You try practising for 14 hours a week, and then still have someone tell you that you suck without telling you how to improve. Dr H was really understanding after one recital where Ms B was in the audience and I didn't feel good about performing, she later told C that she thought I was 'superb' and had C suggest for me to study music at the con. Both Dr H and C and even Ms H to an extent were like my saviours.
The scariest thing about Ms B was by far the fact that she was all false pretences. Appeared completely sane and nice (but she could somehow balance this with making people feel super inferior). But beneath this exterior, she was a cold manipulative conniving psychopath. Scarily enough, her enjoyment of terrorising students on a superficial level wasn't even the reason why I so hated her. She only did the terrorising thing in orchestra and stuff in a 'super strict teacher way'. But even super strict teachers are usually nice normal people, at the very least sane, in reality. Alone with me, Ms B was the opposite of what she was like in orchestra. She'd appear nice, but was really a control freak psychopath underneath. Usually, I can read people pretty well. I think Ms B is one of the few people who has ever been able to really get to me, who has actually won mind games with me. One day, I'd think maybe she does care after all. Then the next day she would do something behind a sneaky facade of kindness that was anything but. In the end, after the 'shocking' incident, I was literally left bawling in senior study at the library after Rh and EP saw my facial expression and asked what was wrong. Various people saw me, and someone must have reported to Dr H when they asked me what was wrong (because when I complained, Dr H had told me that some girls had said they were concerned about Ms B telling me I was 'shocking'-ly bad). Dr H repeatedly asked me if it was just the two of us alone all those times Ms B had put me down, so she must have realised that she was just trying to be a bully on purpose. I concluded she was indeed out to get me, and now I realise how naive I was to let her get to me that way.
It sounds melodramatic, and that's the thing with her. She has a way of doing things that cut you deeply but appear to be all nice and fine on the surface, so that to this day I am still puzzling over what her true intentions were. No one fully understands what it's like to deal with a psychopath. When you complain to people about Ms B, you even realise you may sound a bit melodramatic and oversensitive, and when you say things out loud about her, what she has done doesn't even appear to be all that evil, so you sound stupid. You have to be there to understand what she's like (and the only people who understood my issues with Ms B were the people who'd experienced her authoritative strict control freak side, but even these people didn't understand the worst of it). The thing with psychopaths is that they are inherently psychopathic with everyone, not just one person they hate, and that was certainly true with Ms B. I never gave her a reason to hate me, and I don't think she did (I was all smiles and thanks miss and hi miss and sorry miss even the day before I complained about her). She was even psychopathic with students she 'liked', such as the really talented year 11 violinist. Though she never seemed to get along well with any of the pianists. You have to understand though, that I truly don't think she EVER hated me. She bullied me maybe even unconsciously. I never gave her any reason to hate me. Anything she told me to join, I would. I was all nice and smiley and high-pitched voice polite to her (I embarrassingly enough was sickeningly polite, almost sucking up to her, in a way I wouldn't be caught dead acting in front of a normal teacher). Even the day before I complained about her, she told me I was a 'good girl' and if parents rang her up on the phone with me there she'd be like 'I'm here with my darling Joanna'. Yes, she's one of those types of people who say weird things like that but somehow manages to pull it off/get away with it. I never complained to her face, or gave her any hint I hated her. Even when she told me I was bad at what I was playing, I'd smile and act non-upset and ask her for advice because I'm a good bullshitter (and she would give me the shittiest vague advice, like 'you have to play it more like the recording, just listen to it and think of how to play in a way a famous pianist would'). WTF? No shit, Sherlock, I listen to those recordings just so I can experiment because I have nothing better to do than stuff up my performances, and play the OPPOSITE of how a concert pianist plays. Lol if that's how she teaches piano, no wonder she's turned psychopathic. If she thought that was 'advice', just magically telling me to play like the recording, what a shame a lightbulb didn't go off in my head and all of a sudden transform my playing into fricken Lang Lang at the Opera House.
But no one got to feel the full extent of her psychopathic nature but me. Because I was her most victimised at this school. I was like her little pet experiment, and the circumstances were perfect for her as we were alone in a classroom environment (I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if there was another person doing music ext), and she could tell I would believe anything she said, so she used that to hurt me. Situation was further worsened by the fact that we both were pianists, and that awkwardly enough we both had the same level of piano qualifications (I had gotten my diploma only 7 years after she did, even though she's my mum's age). So technically, I had no real reason to even listen to her critiques over my piano teacher's. Music isn't like any other subject. It's insanely subjective, and half the time the teacher, I can guarantee you (at a musically average or bad school) would have no idea what the F they are talking about in the comments sections of you task feedback. What if I played the Harmonica, and I got marked by a teacher who played drums who knew nothing about harmonica? What if I had already gotten my master's diploma in piano performance (as another girl I know my age taught by my piano teacher does), and Ms B only had just received her bachelor's, then decided to critique me? What then, do you take a teacher seriously when they have lower qualifications than you do? I used to respect her judgements (I was so glad to get a teacher who played piano, not trumpet like Mr L). But then I soon realised she was even worse. Fine, if you want to be like Mr L, give me no feedback during lessons and don't give me feedback at all, ever, except when you are marking me. If you can't contribute improvements to my playing, then may as well leave me be and not worsen it by pretending you know what you are doing when you don't even play my instrument. But Ms B? Not only did she not give me feedback, she had to worsen my playing by saving 'feedback' for 2 hours before a performance and making me nervous on purpose! If that is not sabotage I don't know what is. Her favourite moments were probably after the recitals, when she would tell me I hadn't played well at all and then proceed to give me feedback pretentiously (like she had her freaking doctorate diploma or something), when it wasn't even correct/clear or justifiable! Then another long stretch of like 2 months with no feedback until the day of a recital, then the cycle repeats.
Ms B hated admitting she didn't know something or couldn't do something. She would rather give me the wrong feedback/answer than not give me one at all. Mr L had no issues telling me to check things up on the internet myself when I'd ask him basic questions about composition, like where is the proper placement of such and such italian direction on the score, or which string/finger should I indicate the cellist play this low note with. I used to think he was just being irritating by making me do my own 'research' even when I couldn't find it online and once he even made me text my cellist to answer my questions. But I later realised he only did that when he genuinely didn't know the answer to a question I asked (which puzzled me as he was doing his doctorate. Maybe a musicology degree, not a composition one? Or maybe because he was doing his doctorate at a not-that-good uni, not the con). Ms B liked to just pretend she had 'high expectations' to cover up her insecurity about her own abilities, but thankfully Dr H never fell for that. I remember Dr H saying to Ms H, 'K has high expectations too, but she teaches in a positive way'. Ms B's just about one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, I'll give her that.
I now think Ms B hired the crappy inexperienced submissive (well not all of them, but most inexperienced teachers don't know how to deal with bully coordinators) music department on purpose so that no one would have power over her or threaten her leadership position. Because let's face it, the entire music department sucked big time. At least 3 teachers frequently had to deal with parent/student complaints. All but one of the teachers (There were 5) came during or after 2011. Apparently something big happened to the (apparently good) music department before then, we don't know what but all the teachers left for better schools or positions. According to Ki, Dr H knew about the situation before I even complained, as our music department was absolute shit when she first came to the school this year. Especially compared to her last school's. Whilst Dr H's old school orchestra were playing masters-degree level violin concertos at the opera house, my school orchestra was still playing 'bananas in pyjamas' for the kindergarteners. And there was a reason why I was the only one doing both Music 2 and extension, when Dr H's old school had at least TEN girls doing extension. But all the other music teachers have hope. No matter how lazy Ms V is, or how ignorant Mr L is, at least they are not at all evil, and they are not psychopaths. They just lacked the personality traits you need to be a teacher, and also lacked the experience. Starting with Ms B leaving, Dr H is 'changing things', hopefully. I'd like to think Dr H really cares (she was always nice to me), because she has really strong ties to my school. She was the old school captain when she was an ex-student here, her daughters came to the school too, she was the old English co-ordinator, then director of studies, and now she's returned as the principal. Apparently Ka at her old school is on long service leave, so she will be doing Dr H a favour next year and come in to sort out the music department. Mr L BETTER up his game, too, because Ka is the best, most well-known music teacher in the whole freaking nation.
Psychopathy checklist (courtesy Wikipedia):
Facet 1: Interpersonal
Facet 2: Affective
|
Facet 3: Lifestyle
Facet 4: Antisocial
|
|
Without a doubt, she was a psychopath.
-She had superficial charm, alright. Was charismatic enough for me not to see through her at first, and she could suck up big time to important teachers/parents when needed.
-Grandiose sense of self-worth, for sure. Liked to make others feel inferior. E.g. the job at Myer thing.
-Pathological lying - ensemble and cellist issue.
-Conniving/manipulative: our whole fucking relationship was based on manipulation and mind games.
-Lack of remorse/guilt: told me I was 'shocking', and that I 'didn't perform well at all', did not feel remorse about giving us the wrong exams in yr 11, or care for that matter.
-Emotionally shallow? Yeah, you could say that again...
-Lack of empathy is obvious
-Failure to accept responsibility is a big one. Loved blaming Mr L for all her problems.
-Not sure about her lifestyle...though lack of long-term goals may be one (she has taught at and moved between many, many schools), as well as irresponsible.
-Not sure about the antisocial behaviour, as who knows what a mini Ms B was like. Though promiscuous sexual behaviour I could say was one thing, like the backless dress and sexual innuendos.
So now you will surely still understand and remember all the hell Ms B put you through, future Joanna, and know that no, you weren't being melodramatic at the time. Not at all.
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